... He Was Fragged For Our Sins.

Dun dun duhhh!!!!1111

2006-03-01T11:46:00.000-05:00

Well, today is my last day on blogger/blogspot. I bought a domain, and moved my blog and all accessories to that domain. Without further ado, I direct thee to...

www.fraggedformysins.com

Your funny link for today will be located there, so don't try and get all roxxor on me.

We look like large cheese people =(

2006-02-28T07:52:00.000-05:00

(after I typed that title, I discovered that its likely that at first, many of you will misread/misunderstand the title. I considered changing it, but that's no fun.) Last night, the dear wife and my sister and I went to go grab some pizza. We went to this little pizza parlor near where we now live, sat down, started looking at deh menu. At this particular establishment, you can order pizza by the slice, w/ whatever toppings your heart desires. When it's time to order, the waitress appears to be one of those hotshots who doesn't have to write anything down. I say she appeared that way not because she looked like she had an exceptional memory, but because... she just didn't bring anything to write on. So since there's no possible way my wife and sister and I could agree on toppings, I order a single slice, and rattle off a few toppings. The wife orders a single slice, and as she rattles off her toppings, mid-sentence the waitress interrupts her and says... "Wait a second yall. Yall looked like large cheese people, didn't think I would have to write anything down", implying that we appeared to be the sort of people that would order a plain, large, cheese pizza. My mind begins to race. What is she trying to say! Are you trying to tell me my family looks plain?! Why not just come out and say it! Where I come from, "yall look like large cheese people" be fightin' words. Anyway, we'll probably go back. The pizza was decent. Pencil Carving Gallery

Deh Aquarium.

2006-02-27T08:05:00.000-05:00

So, the wife, 13 students from the English Language School we teach at, our leet bus driver, and I went to the aquarium. Now, I could post lotsa pictures, but, uhh, I didn't take any. Instead, I want to discuss the whale sharks that live in the aquarium, and the cushy lifestyle they enjoy. You who have not been to the aquarium (from hereon out, known as the "unaquariumed", as a commentary on the fact that I dislike the word "unchurched", as is going to church is what we're attempting to achieve in trying to share the Gospel. Hmm it seems I've gotten slightly off-track in these paratheses, I better just close 'em off), the unaquariumed, have not seen the luxury these animals endure. You see, they spend the day swimming around, and twice a day, aquarium workers bring large scoops of krill and dump them near the mouths of the two whale sharks. From there, they just inhale the water and krill, digest the food and flush the water out. I was entertained that the little video made SUCH a big deal that the two whale sharks had different-colored scoops that this food was delivered to them in, and they knew them apart by the color. whatever. ANYWAY, I've decided that is the way to get your daily food intake. Therefore, I'm in the process of trying to find someone to...hmm..."render"... this same service to me each morning and afternoon. Basically, someone would need to get a scoop w/ a long handle on it, then each morning while I shower and each afternoon while I sit in my cubicle, dump a serving of steak over the shower curtain/cubicle wall. I've already asked my wife and coworkers, and they have refused. If you'd like to apply, please post a short comment about why you're suited for this momentous position. thx. Funny link: Shakespeare Insult Kit, thou loggerheaded ill-breeding miscreants!

RECAP: February 20th - 23rd.

2006-02-24T07:51:00.000-05:00

As previously promised, it's time for the first Recap of the week. What did we giggle at this week - We giggled at this this week. This is what Eric looked liked ten years ago. We also giggled at how a scizophrenic, fictitious black woman "fought" over the sweet hotness that is me. What did we learn this week - Whew, this week was alot more about learning and less about giggling. The hallmark in things to actually take something away from is certainly my post from yesterday. Other than the fact that I enjoy being an entertainer, it will give you insight to what I think about through the days, and what my goals are. The one post to read this week if you don't read anything else - Again, yesterday's. Make sure to check out the comments too. Feel free to tell me what you think as well, even if you think I'm wrong. Funny link: wee a puzzle!!1

My country, tis of thee...

2006-02-23T16:22:00.000-05:00

As I said a long, long time ago, I tend to come down on the critical side of issues and ideas. That is, if I can either be too soft or too harsh on a issue of controversy, too harsh is my tendency. Keep that in mind. That said, today's post is about our great country, the United States of America. The land of opportunity. The land you find yourself living in (unless your Britt), right now. Consider the following situation: There is a horrible car wreck. One car is on fire, and you only have the time to rescue one of the two occupants of the car. You know that one of them is fully aware of their situation, and knows good and well that they will die if they persist in staying in the car. The other is unconscious, and therefore unable to know that the fire is even present and a danger to them. Which person do you attempt to rescue? [for purposes of this discussion, the conscious person is able to get out of the car themselves, should they choose to. There are also a horde of people working to get the conscious person out as well.] Now, this analogy has a few holes in it, but the idea I am trying to convey is this: the people of America represent the person in the car that is fully aware of their situation. They may argue it, fight it till their death, do all they can to deny it, but the facts (that is, the Gospel) are on the table, the writing's on the wall. That is to say, the warning that the way of sin is the way of death is ever-present in the USA. More importantly, the way to faith in Christ is thoroughly published, printed, recorded, it's everywhere. Any person who does not find their way to faith in Christ will not be because there simply wasn't enough information out there about Christ. But that other person, the one who has no idea they are about to perish... they represent the countless peoples of the world outside the U.S. that have no immediate witness to the truth. If they die, it's without faith in Christ, because no one told them that it was an option to them. Do you care? Does this even matter to you? I'm angry. Forget angry. I'm pissed off, physically shaking, in tears. For I care more about getting cable internet service to my new place of residence than about the man who died Christ-less as I type these words. Let's look at this another way. You can argue the theology about what I've said so far. But consider the human needs of these people. They're starving, RIGHT NOW. They're dying of thirst, THIS MOMENT. They are dying and becoming maimed by diseases and conditions that a 15 cent shot of medicine can cure. DOES THIS MATTER TO YOU? Do you even bat an eyelash to any of what I say? HOW DARE I sit here in a air-conditioned cubicle for one minute longer than it takes to have my life and my wife's life where I have no pending financial or moral responsibilities due to anyone (loans, contracts, educations, etc.) and get out of this country. The people here are fed. They are clothed. Even the poor among us have ways to get relief (hell, the poor here are richer than large numbers of the middle class in other places). So that's me. Where does it leave you? Do you see America as your place to live, your place to live out your days in blissfulness? The place where you were raised, married, had your own kids, retire, collect seashells on the beach, and when you die, and present your seashell collection to God as the witness of the last 15 years of your life? (blatantly stolen example from one John Piper). I reject that choice, that lifestyle. I'm done with this country. I would go as far as saying that unless you feel a specific calling to STAY in this country, it is selfish to remain. I mean, if you aren't called to stay in the U.S., and you know the needs of the world and consciously make the decision to not go to the world and instead live in this country, what other word is there to describe your actions? This country is safe, it's comfortable, its a country of lavish luxury. What do any of those things have to do with the life Christ has called us to? I know some of you do feel called to serve in other nations, and are only waiting for the door to be opened for your place to serve, or to finish serving responsibilities and commitments you made in this country. I know some of you feel called to stay here to support those that go and to minister to those who live here. I know others of you have never seriously considered leaving this country for another, and just always assumed this would be your home. Please listen to my plea. I am trying to speak for the oppressed, those who have no voice of their own. They need YOU. If not you, then who? On that note, I am drained. I have said all I can on the topic, and if you feel I am as wrong as the sun is purple, let me know in the comments down there. I said I would be harsh at the beginning, I hope I delivered on that promise enough to reach your heart, but not enough for you to write me off as a nutcase. And if you want more on this topic, and to read an article that greatly influenced me, consider this link. It gives a much more... level-headed view of the topic, and answers common objections: Why You Should Go To The Mission Field. FL: Telephone Songs - If you can't be bothered to read all my words when I actually am writing about something that is meaningful, here's a funny link for you. Go learn to play Frere Jacques on your cellie and leave me be.

Fun Eric Facts

2006-02-22T14:09:00.000-05:00

Mind is all dizzied up right now, lots of thoughts. If you want meaningful discussion, roll on over to a recent post by Ms. Gina. 23 delicious comments worth of thoughtful discussion. In the meantime, here's some odd facts that I find entertaining: - When there is a stack of unused styrofoam cups in a public place for usage, I always pull one of the cups midway down the stack. This is especially true if the cups are sitting open side up. I don't know why I do this, I just do. - On my Gmail, I organize my contacts list to a ridiculous degree. I believe Mr. Ben is the only one to ever experience the oddness of it. It's not so much how they are sorted, its more the little informative tags I put for each person. It's almost like if I were to lose my memory and still had access to my email, anyone I would have to interact with, if I knew their name, I could at least wing it for a few days based on the info recorded therein. - I have woman hands. What I mean by this, not that it justifies it at all, is that I don't like my hands being dirty. Even alittle. Slightly. Any dirty, stickiness, grease, whatever, no sir-ee. This wouldn't be a problem if I was a computer guy in a cube farm for some corporation... no... I have to work at a hardware store. Dirtiness-for-your-hands abounds at hardware stores. Woe is me. That's all I got for today, folks. Well, that, and your funny link. Since we're being all introspective today, and stuff, here's somethin' for ya to nibble on: This Is the Title of This Story, Which Is Also Found Several Times in the Story Itself

Gosh!

2006-02-21T12:56:00.000-05:00

Not much to say today, other than that I'm the original Napolean. Check that date out. 1996, Bay-bee! I've been very guarded with that photo, but hey, I can sacrifice dignity for a laugh with the best of them. Funny link: That crazy British Military. This apparently is a spoof of another comic relief video done by Peter Kay. I found the original after some thorough searching, but I think this link is entertaining enough to stand on its own. And I kinda like the song anyway =(. The Royal Dragoon Guards present "Is This The Way To Amarillo?

FFOS Guides - How to read this blog, based on how much free time you have.

2006-02-20T12:17:00.000-05:00

The more I blog, and more I learn about people who actually read all these words, the more I realize that some of you simply don't have the time to read all of this. And I understand! I wish you did, but understand you don't! So, with that in mind, I've prepared the following guide to give you guidelines on what you should and shouldn't read, given time constraints.

If you have more free time than you know what to do with, and are looking for stuff to read: Read the whole blippin' thing. All the posts, all the funny links, all the comments. Have little discussions in the comments sections, a dialogue if you will. Sky is deh limit. If you have some free time, maybe able to check the blog two to three times a week: For a given week (well, the 5 days in a week I post), scroll down through them and notice which ones interest/titillate/excite/whatnot you, and read those. Ignore funny links, unless they catch your eye either. ALTERNATIVELY, if you think I sux, open up only the funny links, ignore posts =p. If you are able to check the blog at most once a week: I'm going to start using Friday's as a recap for the previous four dayses posts. It will sort of be a "what did we learn" or "what did we giggle at" post. It should be sufficient to maintain your course credit standings for EFIZ 1980, and much more importantly, allow you to not fall under the wrath of comments such as: "someone hasn't been reading my blooo-ooogg..." or "you make me sad when you don't read my blog, sadface =("

So there you have it. Look for the first Recap this friday! Funny link: Chinese Watermelon Sculpture - further evidence that being azn (third definition) is leet.

Saw a bumper sticker recently...

2006-02-17T10:53:00.000-05:00

It said...

Who am I to try and confound such a direct command. So, on that note: One love, one heart Let's get together and feel all right Hear the children crying (One love) Hear the children crying (One heart) Sayin', "Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right." Sayin', "Let's get together and feel all right." Today's funny link is absolutely astounding: The Sequel to Rock, Paper, Saddam, "The Painting". Props to Mr. Allen Harris for graciously providing this powerful link. Here's your teaser for it: Saddam:
Oh, no, it's one of those combo deals. Koran goes in the front, decorating tips in the back.

Re: my parents

2006-02-16T08:14:00.000-05:00

So Valentine's Day occured. Not sure exactly when that was, but it happened. The wife and I agreed to move it back to this weekend, after we moved in, given the lovely stressors that entail moving. Given that it was V-Day, my mother sent the wife and I a big ole box of homemade cookies. This rox. What roxed almost as much was the card she sent. The front of it had a black and white photo of these three old ladies. Each of them had a speech bubble over their head, with one saying "How can you tell?", the next saying, "No way!", with the third saying, "I can just tell." The text on the front of the card read, "Bev's friends were amazed with her ability to tell when a man was going 'commando'". The inside of the card read, "Have an amazing Valentine's Day." Wow. What made this more entertaining was what my parents had written on the inside of the card:

Love, Dad and Mom - (I picked the card out!)

So there you have it. While my parents aren't yet quite as awesomely awesome as, say Emma's, they have to start somewhere. And that card was certainly one place to start. Today's funny link details the proper way to write a paper for college: wee.

SCANDAL - BATHROOM WARDEN EXPOSED!

2006-02-15T08:56:00.000-05:00

ATLANTA (EFIZZ) - Tensions run high as the highly guarded floorplan of Bathroom Warden's #721 new rental house was leaked to the media. It was a day much like any other. Eric Hendersºn, also known as Bathroom Warden #721 was critiquing the design and setup of local area resturants. But then this image was leaked to the media:

As is plainly obvious, the hypocrisy of Mr. Hendersºn living in a house with horribly designed toilet/door placement cannot be ignored. On Tuesday, when the story broke, there were widespread calls for Eric's resignation as a highly coveted Bathroom Warden #721. ---------------------------------------------- Okay, okay, enough with the news-story approach to blogging, its kind of lame. Basically, the house the wife and I move in to in 3 days is really, really odd. Things are designed with no thought what so ever, most walls aren't straight, the floor isn't even reasonably flat, and some of the cabinets must have been designed by monkies. Other than that, its great! The toilet issue is of special concern to me. Basically, no matter how you, uh, use the toilet, your gonna get smacked by that door if someone opens it. This will cause several problems, of course, depending on how your using it. My thoughts on this matter are... there's gonna be alot of peein goin on w/ the door open, that's all I'm sayin. F to da' L - DuctTapeFashion.com - This stuff is elite. Yes, you can lose man points for buying duct tape produced items instead of making it yourself (yes, its happened to me, aww =( ), but I let the masters handle what they are masterful with. And for these guys, its duct tape. Or something.

Leet speak.

2006-02-14T16:14:00.000-05:00

Today's post is about today's funny link, which is the Parent's Guide to Internet Slang on Microsoft.com. This is especially important as I have an extreme tendency to randomly use such leetspeak in casual conversation. Let's dig through this guide with some scrutiny:

- "pwn": A typo-deliberate version of own, a slang term often used to express superiority over others that can be used maliciously, depending on the situation. This could also be spelled "0\/\/n3d" or "pwn3d," among other variations. Online video game bullies or "griefers" often use this term. - I take offense to the fact that it says bullies and griefers use this term. I use it to say my wife pwned me when she somehow logic bombed me, or that a stapler pwned me when it wouldn't go through a stack of 23 pages (well, I guess technically the papers pwned me). -Mistakes are often left uncorrected. Common typing misspellings (typos) such as "teh" instead of the are left uncorrected or sometimes adopted to replace the correct spelling. - Total agreement with this one. It is deh true. "w00t" or the smiley character \o/: An acronym that usually means "We Own the Other Team," used to celebrate victory in a video game. - I've never heard it as an acronym, it's just a celebratory phrase. woot!

I'm tired. Getting ready to go put this IKEA thing together, should be fun.

IKEA

2006-02-13T14:13:00.000-05:00

So I'm sorry I didn't even try to backdate a post to Friday. Didn't have anything to say/didn't have any the attention span to..uhh.. say that which I didn't have anything to say about. Anyway, so yeah. We went to IKEA. I was dazed, awed, roxxored. Afew comments about it before I go attempt to construct some sort of storage unit thingie:

1. Its like a big casino: There is only one exit. It's hard to find. Other than in the clocks section, there are very few clocks throughout the store. Both of these facts are shared by casinos. Both casinos and IKEA trap people in and put away some major bank because of it. 2. I dig Swiss design, or something: I'm all about the general style of stuff they sell. Not all decorative, just simple, functional, or something. 3. Every item in the store has a name that is all European (please stop peein', thanks): examples: Ringum, Magiker, Agnellrassmussenzon. Ok I made the last one up, but it could be one.

All I got for today. When all was said and done, the wife and I got about 2/3 of what we planned to buy, and it totalled $285.00. It's cool stuff. FL: The Human Clock - this is crazy awesome. Includes the: Human Clock, Analog and Digital Versions, and the Human Calendar.

Poor self-esteem. pets

2006-02-09T13:46:00.000-05:00

So, my self-esteem took a slight beating last night. Here's the scene: its English Language School time, Eric is preparing a devotional. I've got a whiteboard, and with a dry-erase marker I draw something close to this on the board: I think we can all agree that this is *PLAINLY* a picture of a ship. Or boat. sea-going vessel. you get the idea. I was standing in front of the whiteboard as I drew this masterpiece. I hear the voice of Mitsuo, the 60-something Japanese gentleman that comes to ELS with greater consistency than anyone I've ever known. He says, "move out the way. I can't see the animal." At that moment. A part of my MSpaint/whiteboard/whatever artist-soul died. Why I Will Never Have A Girlfriend - Poor guy. Some guys say this, but this guy proves it. Bummer.

I heart my wife, for reals.

2006-02-08T09:54:00.000-05:00

I'm so for serious. My wife rox. There's all the plainly clear reasons: her personality, her beauty, our friendship, and many such other things. But those things aren't the topic of this post. The topic of this post is about song lyrics. I heart my wife because, within 10 minutes, she complete the two following lines of these songs if I sing em:

Eric says/sing: Yes, they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness... (pause) The wife answers back: ...but it’s better than drinkin’ alone. Lyrics from Billy Joel's Piano Man

So that, in and of itself, is not that remarkable. If we couple that with this...

[note, this refers to the incredible paint job on Ludacris' "ride"] Eric raps: and when I pull up to the club, I get all the affection... The wife sort of raps back: ...cuz the women love the paint and they can see their reflection Lyrics from Ludacris' Act a Fool [note, this has nothing to do with paint or cars] Eric raps (who am I kidding, Eric says:):Some say that sex is overrated... The wife replies:... but they just ain't doin' it right. Lyrics from Jamie Foxx and Ludacris' Unpredictable

So yeah. I'm blown away. She rox. As a sidenote, the last song right up there ^, is pretty dang good, and fairly clean (in a use of bad language sense, I mean, the song is basically about makin love to your lady. Big surprise there.) Anyway. I guess you whities' need a funny link. Let's have a look what I got in my bag o' tricks. Yeah, this'll work. Futureme.org - You can send an email to yourself (or anyone else) with a future delivery date, out as far as the year 2036. If you send it out that far, I can't promise it will deliver, and neither can they. Anyway, have fun. Maybe you guys could send me one every friday reminding to blog before 11:45pm. bleh.

A crossroads, or something.

2006-02-07T15:48:00.000-05:00

So whenever a comment is posted on my blog, I get an email. I probably shouldn't have told you this, as now when I wake up tomorrow, my email header will read "Gmail - Inbox (35), or something absurd like that. Anyway, this is a recent comment/email that was graciously given to me:

Sinyard said... Friday's funny link is remarkably similar to Thursday's. I expect two funny links on Tuesday to make up for it.

So now I have to come to a decision. If we look back to one of my first posts, it says this:

In one of my first posts, I made a campaign promise of sorts - every post I made, there would be some link that could be described as funny, or entertaining - this of course predicated on the fact that you find the first funny link, about my license plate, to be funny.

Note that it never says the funny link would be a unique funny link. I could post the same one every daggum day of the week if I wanted to. But I'm better than that. I aim to please. Or at least yall think I do, as I have so far (I hope). I guess I will bow to the will of the masses this time. Enjoy your linx: How To Dance Properly - Title says it all. Freedom Ship - the City at Sea - these guys are nuts. But if someone wants to buy me a uhh... house... or something, that's no problem.

Jason comes through once more.

2006-02-06T14:36:00.000-05:00

Jason sent me the following email this weekend:

so i look at pictures from about 40 or so photoblogs on a fairly regular basis, and i found this diamond in the rough for you http://www.thenarrative.net/archive/001165.php

If we follow that lovely link (and edit it down alittle), we come up with... Magnafique. I am tempted to argue with the theological basis which this marquee draws it "umphf" from, but I cannot say with any certainty whether (and to what extent) God loves the platypus. Does God love the platypus because it is jumbled? Does God's love for the jumbled human being stem from his love of jumbled things? Am I wasting my time even considering what a marquee says seriously? Anyway. Today's funny link is one of those unique gems of "oops" in the world. With no further introduction, I give you... The Mineral Cummingtonite. It was named this as it was discovered in Cummington, MA. They probably could have come up with a better name, in my opinion.

Blogger sux.

2006-02-03T23:18:00.000-05:00

It's like its trying to force me into only posting Monday - Thursday. I posted at 11:15pm on Friday night. It was pretty funny. It was there when I viewed the blog a few minutes later. It was there the next morning. It's gone now. I guess I'll try and repost it as close to the original: So on Friday I was helping setup for an event at the church. People were starting to mill in to the sanctuary, and the leaders wanted some background music to play. We scoured the sound booth for anything, and came up empty-handed. I tell the guy I was helping that I would run to my car and pick up a few CD's. I dash out there, and can't find my stupid case of CD's. I look in the armrest-between-the-two-front-seats and find the following three cd's. Keep in mind as you read that I have to pick one of the following CD's to play to roughly 700ish older "church people."

1. Honeymoon CD made for the wife and I, by Brad Wright and his wife. 2. U2's How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb 3. Passion - Hymns: Ancient and Modern

I think you all know which one I chose, but I won't give the surprise away. Let's just say that they all got a hefty helping of "cent, five cent, ten cent, dolla." If that reference makes no sense to you, you're probably better off anyway. Today's funny link is especially entertaining to me, and I spent what likely could be described as way too much time on it. Dictionaraoke - The Singing Dictionary. I can't describe it better than the creators, so, pulled from their site:

Definition: Audio clips from online dictionaries sing the hits of yesterday and today. The fun of karaoke meets the word power of the dictionary

I hope you enjoy.

Wee, radio!

2006-02-02T16:16:00.000-05:00

So I was driving in Buford/Sugar Hill, GA today, w/ the radio on some random station. It was really fuzzy. A song ended, and they said "your listening to blah blah blah, the Carolina's numba one station for all your rap hits" or something like that. Let's do alittle geography lesson real quick: For the map reading-impaired, the place where the pink arrow (yeah its pink, don't hate) is where I was. The red line is where the end of Georgia is, and the beginning of South Carolina is. For me to hear a station for both Carolina's (and NOT Georgia), it would actually have to be further... uhh... inland from the border, or something. All I can say is, I'm impressed with them boy's ability to transmit a signal. Roxx on, whoever you's is. For more entertainment, here's some rap lyrics I was tickled at today (entertainingly, heard on the station that was mentioned aboved). Keep in mind that since the FCC is tightening up restrictions on langage on the radio, that the rappers have gotten alittle more clever in figuring out new and inventive ways to say "me and a female I am attracted to engaged in sexual intercourse." That said... hereya go:

hotter than a bisquick biscuit out the oven your baby mama go on missions to get this lovin we kissin and huggin she never pick her phone up You be lookin for her while we doin the grown up

You can thank the fine lyricists of Pretty Ricky for that gem. Yeah, thats the name of their group. No, none of them are named Ricky. No, I won't comment on whether I think they are pretty or not. For what its worth, song title is "Your Body." Funny link is musically inclined as well. I think this one will go down in history (hahahah) as one of the classics in funny-link-dom. Basically, people take pop songs (well any type of song), and then have those voices that read words out loud to you from online dictionaries try and sing the song, using different tones and both genders. If you know the song, I highly recommend AQUA - "Barbie Girl" as a starter one to listen to. Dictionaraoke.org - The Singing Dictionary

Moving Karma

2006-02-01T08:01:00.000-05:00

In this world, there exists a certain balance (either positive or negative) with every person you meet. It starts out at 0, until a key event occurs - you help them move all their earthly possessions from one place of habitation to another. Helping someone move moves the slider into the positive for you, and therefore negative for them. This is what we like to call Moving Karma. When you help someone move, you accumulate Moving Karma with them. But many things can effect how much Moving Karma (from here on out, "MK") you get. Consider the following questions:

How much heavy furniture was involved? Was it sorta heavy, real heavy, or how-in-the-world-did-you-get-this-in-here-in-the-first-place heavy? How many goofy doorways or corners are there in either the moved-out-of or moving-in-to house are there? Watch for single doorways that need doors removed to get items through them, corners halfway in a stairwell so you have to do a 180 to get up the stairs, low ceilings, etc? What volume of items were involved? Is it mostly boxes, furniture, expensive fragile crap (lamps, paintings, etc)? What was the person moving's "Readiness To Move" Quotient? This value is determined by a simple formula: When you first arrive, look at every item in their domicile that can be carried by one person. Are more of those items in boxes, or still sitting in their house loose? The further the boxed items outnumber the unboxed items, the higher the "Readiness To Move" Quotient gets. Editor's note: Low RTM Quotients make Eric sad. How long did the move take? Was it a wham-bam-thank-you-maam 3 hour move, a very arduous 6 hour move, or a full-on, dragged-out, sunrise-to-sunset move? Were you, and if so, to what extent, fed by the people being moved? Were you hydrated as well? Many options here. Pizza? Homecooked? Taken out to eat? Fast food?

I know this is a long list, but I hope you understand the significance: when its time for you to move, you can control some of these, and its important to do what you can to make the experience as painless as possibile for the people who are doing backbreaking labor for you, for free. I say all this, because of one important fact: The wife and I are moving! On Febuuarurarary 18th! We'd love for some help, and we promise that we're even now taking the steps to do all we can to make sure our Readiness to Move Quotient is truely roxxor. Be looking for an email coming soon w/ details, if you live near enough to help, and I have your email address. Today's funny link: Microsoft Interview Questions - Funny only in the sense that compared to interview questions I was asked ("Name a time in your life when you've felt challenged?" lol), these are funny hard. Especially since without this list, you'd be put on the spot, bad.

Cars suck.

2006-01-31T15:35:00.000-05:00

Today, the wife didn't make it out of the parking lot before the realization that there was something very wrong with her poor little 98 Saturn (besides the fact that its a 98 Saturn, which is an ongoing and painful problem). Sputtering, the inability to change gears without massive rumbling (feeling and sound), the RPM meter doing alittle bouncy action, all sorts of fun stuff. She drove the sweet camry, I took the saturn to work, and subsequently to the shop. 300 bux to fix some valve, including labor. meh, whatever. Funny link: Rock, Paper, Saddam! - since he's been in the news lately. I truely hope someone showed this to him, because you never know when TIGER HAND and PEN MISSLE are gonna come up in a game of rock, paper, scissors (note: some profanity in the FL. Saddam gets alittle upset, what can you say).

Yeehaw.

2006-01-30T16:25:00.000-05:00

The stage was set. Me and deh sunday school class went bowling. It's my turn to bowl, second roll of a frame, and here's how the pins are setup: Given that I suck, I'm righthanded, and lanes were so slick that I couldn't spin the bowl at all. The other four doods that were there (Josh, Jason, Todd, Jeremy, if you know or care), concluded (either audiably or not) that theres pretty much no chance that I will pick up a spare. The following bet is made: if I picked up the spare, left-handed, ALL four of them were gonna ride the ball return machine. For you visual learners, lets do some math. Riding the ball return is the sum of these two images: (note: this one has a sissy plastic guard on it. Real men don't need that): + Needless to say, alot was on the line. This is further compounded by the fact that Jeremy said he was gonna ride the ball return if he got a double strike, and he did get the double strike... but was shot down by his wife when going for the act. Very sad. So I find the lightest ball (think it was 7 poundeds), take it in the palm of my hand, stand way off to the right side, and then put a nasty spin on it, aiming about halfway down the lane toward the left gutter. The spin is beautiful. The curve is beautiful. It's coming across the lane, hugs the gutter so all the haters who roll their bowling ball straight can see true leet skillz, and starts coming back toward the pins. My heart basically stops, as I consider in the moment when the four gentlemen's fate is still unknown how great a blog post it would be if they all ended up riding the ball return machine. The ball curves back across the lane, and misses all three pins by about a foot, and the spin finally brings the ball across to the right gutter. Weeping occurs. Funny link: An interesting comparison... not the funniest link evar, but a bit of humor if your part of the computer industry in any way, methinks.

Addendum.

2006-01-27T23:59:00.000-05:00

Just a quick addendum to a post this week: this one. The good Mr. Jason Dean called me with a slight update to the marquee he had seen at that church. Instead of... the sign actually says (used diff sign cause more words won't fit in it): As you might remember, Jason couldn't remember the last words on the sign. I guess he drove back by and was abit more noticing or something. I could offer commentary on the updated version of this marquee, but frankly, I don't think that would turn out very well for the sign. i.e. its much sillier/worse now. In other news, backdating is unfair to some. Today's funny link comes courtesy of guest poster Sinyard. He thinks that my blog deserves to have a cow go poo-poo on it, and instead of going all the effort of dragging a laptop out into the country and finding a cow, he sends us this: sadface

Balance

2006-01-26T12:54:00.000-05:00

Balance is a good thing. Some days, you need a long, involved post. Other days, you need a short, funny post. Or a long, funny post. Or a short, involved/serious post. You get the idea. Today's post leaves you with two choice quotes: 1. CNN.com. The little subheader for the Anderson Cooper (or Cooper Anderson... whatever) show on CNN had this to say last night at 11:00 pm. Note that this is verbatim, no changes in formatting or text was made:

Are there people who kill to get a thrill? Plus, is someone listening in on your phone calls?

As if people needed something to freak out about. Obviously, during the show, these two segments will be split up. But together, chalk this up to the "one more thing to worry about" section... I wonder if someone is listening to my phone call, who kills to get a thrill. That seems like it would sux. 2. I've become something of a sucker for Chuck Norris jokes. I try to show restraint, but I can hold back on this quote:

Chuck Norris has won the Super Bowl twice, a World Series, 7 PBA Bowling tournaments, 46 Olympic gold medals, 5 Stanley Cups, 3 World Series of Poker championships, 1,712 pie eating contests, 4,832 pillow fights, and took second at the Westminster Dog Show in 1982.

Four-thousand, eight-hundred, thirty-two pillow fights. Who knew?! Funny link: Error Message Generator - pretty geeky, but look what simple fun you can have with it:

Doh.

2006-01-25T08:28:00.000-05:00

So this typically isn't my style, but whatever. Was reading this yesterday:

Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming upon you. Your wealth has rotted, and moths have eaten your clothes. Your gold and silver are corroded. Their corrosion will testify against you and eat your flesh like fire. You have hoarded wealth in the last days. Look! The wages you failed to pay the workmen who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty. You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. You have fattened yourselves in the day of slaughter.[a] You have condemned and murdered innocent men, who were not opposing you. James 5 : 1 - 6

Now, I'm the kind of guy who realizes a few things: 1. Crap, I'm rich. I'm not pullin' down 6 digits or anything, but pullin' down 5 digits provides a standard of living many, many, many times greater than 75% of the population of the world, which qualifies me as "rich." 2. James starts by saying this, "...you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming upon you."... this means I'm gonna need a pretty sweet loophole to not be applied-to in this clause. 3. Where's my loophole? Flippin' sweet, there it is! "The wages you failed to pay the workmen who mowed your fields are crying out against you." and "You have condemned and murdered innocent men, who were not opposing you.", woohoo! I don't have any workmen, and I have not condemned or murdered innocent men. But then I realized something. It doesn't have to be my workers. Every time I swipe my good ole' little credit card and buy something from a company that does this type of behavior, if I have means to know about it (which, given the Internet, seems likely), I'm just as guilty as they are. Don't get me wrong. This isn't a namby-pamby rallying cry that all businesses that make money are horrible, and we should go do protests at anyone who's stock price went up by 0.1% today. Believe me, for a long time, I simply believed this sort of problem (which are listed below), weren't my problem, and that the black eye companies would get as exploitative stuff like this got exposed would be enough of a threat to prevent it from happening, or at least from happening to extreme degrees. It's just not that simple. The American culture is completely insulated from the rest of the world, and its quite easy to not know (or care) if oppression resulted in the production of the item I bought last week. In fact, if it was, how would anyone find out? The oppressed have no voice, THATS WHY THEY ARE OPPRESSED. "Voting with your wallet" is such a cliche', but what other options do we have? Here's an example (which alot of you probably won't like, and will likely be up in arms about), Ten Reasons Why You Should Never Accept a Diamond Ring from Anyone, Under Any Circumstances, Even If They Really Want to Give You One - before you click this link, keep in mind that a third of these reasons (reasons 1-3), right off the bat, are just diamond companies being shrewd, and developing a desire for their product. The other two-thirds - if even half-truths - are heartbreaking - especially if the diamond I purchased for my [at the time] girlfriend just over two years ago contributed to such things. Now I don't want to get bogged down in this link, it makes its point well enough, but it's point isn't MY point. My point is this - just because we don't crack a whip on a room/mine full of underpaid, exploited workers in a distant country, doesn't mean we are immediately absolved of responsibility. What we can do? Much. How that plays itself out in our own lives may vary - for example, consider these guys - The Fairtrade Foundation - they work to ensure farmers receive a fair value for their goods, which on this site include: fruit, coffee, cotton, rice, wine, beer, tea, sugar, and several other products. They then have those products sold in certain locations, which you can lookup on their site (note this is the British site, I'm sure there is a U.S. equivalent). As for diamonds... lets have a few moments of honesty. Even if you read the link about not buying diamonds, it alone is probably not even gonna come close to preventing you from buying/receiving a diamond ring if you had already decided you wanted to. You can come up with 100 justifications about how your one diamond doesn't matter, you couldn't see the jeweler you bought your diamond from allowing such horrible things to happen, you think the people who wrote that link have an agenda that isn't stated... whatever your reason, if you aren't married yet, chances are, you're gonna end up buying or giving diamond in the future. So where can you responsibly buy a diamond? Keep in mind, looking up this information, per jeweler, took about 3 minutes. On the Jared - The Galleria of Jewelry site I found a link to the The Council For Responsible Jewellery Practices, as well as this statement:

For any product fabricated from rough diamonds mined from January 1, 2003 onward, the seller warrants that the diamonds have been purchased from legitimate sources not involved in funding conflict and are in compliance with United Nations Resolutions. The seller hereby guarantees that the diamonds are conflict free, based on personal knowledge and/or written guarantees provided by the supplier of these diamonds.

That is just a statement, but its better than not saying anything. It also addresses several of the numbered items (items 8-10) in the list of why to not accept a diamond. Sadly, a thoroughly perusal of The Shane Company's policies online (note: this is where I bought the wife's diamond) only turned up this statement:

We support all sanctions on countries that sell diamonds to fund civil wars. We will NOT do business with any person or company who does not share this commitment.

Again, I suppose its better than nothing. It's not real reassuring to me, because typing something and doing something are worlds apart. This stuff is getting to me. It makes me want to weep to know that something that caused my wife such joy (her ring) could have even potentially caused scores of people much pain and misery. How can that be? How can we be so insulated from the world in the U.S.? How could I have gotten so wrapped up in settings, and how to propose, and the color, the size, the cut, the clarity, and it never even occured to me to ask about how the diamond was obtained and processed? I've spoken on this long enough for one day. It does however lead me into another topic - besides making responsible purchases, there is something I can do, and that's go. I may not be able to stop the practices of companies who exploit and oppress their workers (that is, sin), but I can make a difference in the lives of the individuals being sinned against, by serving to their basic human needs. Water, food, medical care - you name it. More on this in a few days, or tomorrow, I don't know. Not really feeling like a funny link, so heres something that falls into the informative/kinda morbid/strangely funny/etc category, if that can be a category - oops.

No. Way.

2006-01-24T08:24:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you get an email, and you think to yourself(well, I think to myself)... this is entertainment and humor in its purest form. In-context or out-of, this is good stuff. Today's content comes to us from one Josh Brown (the one who doesn't have a blog), and I received this parcel of joy January 21st, 2006 at 07:52:00 AM EST.

Subject: Thanks ... For providing my reading entertainment each morning while I, uh well, you know.... Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Now, given the incredibly lack of any context, I won't leave Josh languishing in the abyss of readers-guessing-at intepretation. He's referring to reading my blog on his BlackBerry, while, uhh, using the restroom. That alone isn't a big deal. What's frightening is, this email was sent from that same... reading place. That said, now its time for two... FFOS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS Announcement 1 - RE: Josh's BlackBerry Intended audience - Everyone It has come to our attention that sometimes the phrase "don't touch that, you don't know where its been" can save you from many harmful microbes in the world. Sometimes, however, you do know where something has been. Like Josh's BlackBerry for example. To make this clear, YOU KNOW WHERE ITS BEEN, DON'T TOUCH IT EVEN IF YOU ARE ENTHRALLED BY ITS "OOO NEW TECHNOLOGY PRETTIE" FACTOR. Announcement 2 - RE: Reservations Intended Audience - Men only. Ladies, avert thine eyes, or something. [Ladies, SERIOUSLY STOP READING] Gentlemen, there are now currently 21 days until Valentine's Day (I.E. THREE WEEKS). If you feel like treatin your lady nice, now would be the optimal day to make a reservation at a nicer restuarant. But hey, if thats not your deal, and you want chick-fil-a, no worries. If your lady reads my blog, she's not supposed to be reading here, so there's no chance she will be expecting going to a nice restuarant, so no loss to her, right?! [Ladies, you may resume reading now] That's all I got for now. I seem to be abusing the caps lock this post, and I'm sorry about that. But at least I have a reason (read this somewhere)... CAPS LOCK IS THE CRUISE CONTROL OF AWESOMENESS. Funny link falls more into the amusing category, but it kept me occupied for at least 5 minutes. No idea what its for or what is supposed to happen: P A R K.

what what, God got game fo' sho'

2006-01-23T07:53:00.000-05:00

Received the following voicemail message from Jason last night:

From the makes of the worst and most confusing marquee messages comes yet another classic: God has game, and he never loses. Thank you, and have a nice night.

hahahahhaa. Are you kidding me? NEVERMIND some of the slang meanings of the word game, such as: "the ability to talk to and pick up ladies", this doesn't even make sense. I think to truly put this in perspective, I'm gonna have to bust out Ye Ole' Church Sign Generator: Ahh, that feels good. After receiving this message, the wife wanted to make one clarification. She is certain that if it was God's will to do so, God certainly would be able to pick up ladies, so there's no doubt the marquee is at least 100% true. Confusing, at-best-funny-at-worst-blasphemous, and odd as well? You betcha. FL: Such a sucker for t-shirt sites, this one is kind of odd, but hey, at least its original: nataliedee tshirts Coming up this week: I still owe ya a post on Moving Karma, and also look for posts about where Josh Brown (not that one who has a blog, the one who doesn't but needs one) reads this blog (and no, its not sitting in an office chair in front of his computer), and some thoughts on Sudan.

The Science of Gas Station Driving

2006-01-20T09:26:00.000-05:00

Is it just me, or is the pavement around the gas pumps at a gas station among the most chaotic places to drive? Seriously, almost any crappy driving manuever or cutting off of your fellow-man is tolerated. To make this point, consider the following technical diagram. I went to Quik-Trip, and mapped out where each vehicle went over a 60 second period. Here's my data: As you can see, anything goes. You can cut people off, make 8-point turns (note: the wife and I refer to any turn that has more "points" than the classical 3-point-turn as an 8-point-turn. You know what I'm talking about. They are trying to back out of a tight area or don't know where the corners of their car are, and end up pulling forward and back about 8 times.), you get the idea. As for cutting people off, it doesn't matter who has right of way and who doesn't. If you're in a parking space, you can back out right in front of people, and even the angry drivers of Atlanta rarely get all up in your grill. Which is good, cause there's no metal on my grill. It's just, uhh, teeth. Anyway, I'm kinda "bleh" today, so sorry this post isn't as zany and wacky as others tend to be. w00t that its Friday, or something. Funny Link: Text Book Disclaimers - The author of this site has compiled their own stickers that you could print out and put inside of science textbooks as an alternative to the actual sticker that was put into Cobb county HS science books. Here's an example:

Bathroom Warden #721, Reporting For Duty

2006-01-19T12:41:00.000-05:00

[Yes, since I'm # 721, there's at minimum 720 other Bathroom Wardens in service right now. Or I just made that up.] It's been a long time since we've shared some time discussing urinals. I consider this fact a character flaw of mine, and I apologize for it. Today's violation, erm, I mean post, deals with the men's restroom of the Applebee's Restuarant in Lawrenceville, the one at 120 and Hurricane Shoals. Ladies, consider this yet *another* rare opportunity into the world of men's restrooms. Let's begin with the basic layout. Using my ninja photographic bathroom memory, I memorized the floor plan of the bathroom in question, to the inch: You men that are attuned to the art of urinal design can obviously see the error in design here. It has to do with where men look (AND DON'T LOOK) when they're in the bathroom. You see, if we look back at the previous post, you'll notice that all mens bathrooms, designed good or bad, rely on the principle that as long as the man looks only in the direction in front of him, no awkward lines of sight will occur. Even in the trough style bathrooms, the man looks either at the backside of other men, or at the wall, and never sees the frontside or left/right side of a mana. This is a good thing (tm). For those of you not so attuned, let me give you a visual aid: Ok. Pretend Person A is currently doing their business at the urinal. Person B finishes in Stall 2, and opens the door. Their cone of sight, if they just look straight ahead, is presented by the blue lines going out in front of them. AT THIS MOMENT, one of the rules of bathroom design has been broken. We have the possibility of an extremely ackward silouette of Person A. sux2bu, Person B, stop looking at that dood's junk. I feel that my work here is done. Consider yourself edjumacated. Funny Link: These guys are as hardcore about the Rules of Calling Shotgun as I am about Men's Restroom Design.

2006-01-18T17:17:00.000-05:00

Today's post is gonna be short on content and much of anything else, cause its the Go Live date for our store's new computer system, and its plain nutz. Like, crazy nuts. Or something. Both the subject matter and the funny link come to us via Ben, who got it in an email from the always enterprising Emma. Mad props to Emma. Without further ado: The image sucks, but you'll live. Just be happy it's not like last post's image. This is a Christian fiction novel, sold on lifeway.com (here), written by CHUCK NORRIS. If you're not down on your "fad internet humor", Chuck Norris has been the subject of much praise/mocking, depending on your viewpoint, lately. As usual, Wikipedia is the operative source. Here's its link on him, and an excerpt follows:

Late Night with Conan O'Brien's parent company, NBC, aquired Universal in early 2004, giving O'Brien permission to show footage of Walker, Texas Ranger without paying royalties. O'Brien and his writers subsequently created a new segment in which O'Brien shows short, out of context clips for comedic purposes. The "Walker, Texas Ranger Lever" quickly became one of the most popular segments on Late Night, with Norris himself showing up to parody his show and use his martial arts on O'Brien.

Anyway, dead tired, time to go teach English to foreigners, or something! If you still haven't had enough, this website falls deeply into the "At Best Funny, At Worst Blasphemous" category, but gives you an idea of how powerful the Internet Fad Humor of Norris is: linkzor

"Showgrillz"

2006-01-17T12:20:00.000-05:00

[In my continuing effort to give credit where credit is due, this incredible post title was formulated by one "Mr. Gina" himself, a.k.a. Ben.] Today I was discussing the literary masterpiece "Grillz", which was previously noted, and I was lamenting that I wasn't a black man and therefore had an at least diminished chance to ever be a major force in the hip-hop industry (notable exceptions to the rule noted). One of my dear co-workers alerted me to a very important fact - the rapper that says every line that I quoted in the previous post about this song was in fact white. This caused a massive paradigm shift, especially when I typed his name, Paul Wall, in google and did an image search. Prepare yourself: I laughed for 20 seconds straight when I saw this, your reaction will vary. I have included a large gap of blank space so that you will not be caught unawares to this fact: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [prepare thyself] . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Lollerskates. This guy pretty much let his jeweler/dentist get as high/drunk/short-on-oxygen as possible, and just go nuts on his mouth, producing this monstrosity of a "grill." But hey, what do I know, maybe this is like a normal grill, with nothing special. Since we're showing obscene pictures and talking about the evil rap music, today's funny link is gonna be at least PG-13. I caution you, as today's link has the potential to be alittle... what's the word... wrong. I'll let the link do the explaining itself, and throw out a few examples. The Always Amusing Euphemism Generator. Examples:

In fifty years, would people of our age still call it massaging the paisley orange brontosaurus? You should have seen him dancing with the little Spanish microphone. Then, I had to sit next to some crazy guy on the bus who was apparently tweaking the client-server V-chip.

NEW FEATURE - Occasionally I will be listing some teasers for future posts to hook people to come back. Keep in mind, that if you're already an addict (Jason D., David S., Brad W., I'm looking at you guys), this will just be icing on the cake, because even if I don't do this, you'll still check back! Coming up this week (or maybe next): The Bathroom Warden Strikes (uhh, again?), The Anarchy that is Driving at the Gas Station, and Moving Karma.

err..

2006-01-16T15:50:00.000-05:00

So Ben decided to post his guilty pleasures. Considering I know Ben very well, most of these were not the Shocker!!11 that I had been expecting, given his alluding to the post several times over the last few months. Now that I think about it, I think I already knew he liked almost half of them. Anyway, with my self-prescribed schedule of five posts a week (the weekdays, for those of you who haven't noticed the dates), I'm always trolling for topics. I've got a few things on tap, but this seemed like a gimme. Ben asked for comments, but sometimes the cruel formatting restrictions placed on comments (no pictures? hello????? not in blogger or wordpress!) don't do justice to the way things *should* be. So, lesse here.

The Britney Affair Well, no use being bashful, we'll save the best for first. This is Britney. I like Britney's music. Like, more than other people. Enough to goto iTunes and buy the above CD, which is her greatest hits CD. 22 delicious tracks, 100% Britney. Don't worry though. I like Britney for her music, not her body. (note: you can read this as sarcasm if you see fit, but to be honest, it's not. Why else would I pay money for such an album? jpgs are free =). Who put the radio on 98.5?! The wife must have been in here meddlin' with my radio! To understand this item, you must know two things: 1. The nature of the stations B98.5 and 94.9 Lite FM. I linked their homepages, but I'll save you the effort of having to click - they are the city's two easy listening/soft rock stations. 2. The fact that I often tell people I primarily like rap and rock music. The point is this - on the pre-set buttons on the radio in my car, I have both of these stations each assigned to a button, and I would be lying if I told you I only listened to them rarely =/. There's really no excuse for this... I am currently the owner and user of this: Yes it says exfoliant. Yes its from Aveda. I weep.

Note: I started this post on Friday. Since then, Ben has posted an addendum to his list of gp's which redeems it... if for no other reason than the fact that it says "ben soup". Nice. Here's a rather simple funny link that made me giggle alittle: Mortor.

FFOS Guides - How to fake being a computer guru!

2006-01-13T08:50:00.000-05:00

Today's post is special. It is the first of our series (well, hopefully) of guides presented by Fragged For Our Sins. Today's guide is near and dear to my heart. I may come under fire for this guide, because, to be honest, most of the people you would think are computer guru's are in fact, just normal people who have somehow been able to fake enough people that they are. I myself may even fall into this group! It's hard to know. The problem is this - I only have to know a few certain things to approach guru status in the eyes of your average computer user. There's certain parts of computing that convince people that you are the real deal. These parts have very little to do with actually being a power user of computers. That said, let's begin!

Step 1 - Keyboard Shortcuts, keyboard shortcuts, keyboard shortcuts - I can't stress this enough. If someone is watching you navigate a computer, and you never touch the mouse to reach all the same menus and programs that they normally need to get there, they will immediately assume you must be some sort of guru. Let's review a few such keyboard shortcuts: Windows key + M - This is a powerful one. It minimizes all windows that are currently open in Windows XP. Instead of having to click on the minimize button for each individual window that's up, you can press two keys on the keyboard and you're done. Dazes and mystifies the mouse-lovers. Alt + F4 - Closes the window that you have active. Another time and mouse-using saver. Note on the mouse - Not all areas of Windows can be reached easily or faster by keyboard. If you must use the mouse, you must use it with the deadly accuracy of a ninja. Move it directly to where you intend to click, very quickly, and then be done with it. Step 2 - When the computer has a problem or unexpected error - This one is clutch. If the computer throws up an error message or does what you don't expect, it's important to not react in any way what so ever. You must give off the aura that says, "hey, I knew it was going to do that, in fact I was expecting it, ha!", even if you have no idea why or what just happened. Step 3 - When someone shares a computer lament with you - As you grow into more of a guru, people will begin to seek you out to share their own little computer woes with you. Many times, these are problems that are so difficult to diagnose, that one of the following is almost always true: either be fixed in a stroke of luck or, more likely, they are impossible to fix. But you don't have to tell them that! Your job is as follows: Listen! Try not and offer any commentary on the problem if you can help it, especially if it has to do with a program or system you've never touched. AT MOST, you can throw in an occasional "mmhmm" or maybe an "ahh" as you deem necessary.

That's all I have for now. I hope you have learned something. Here's your funny link: ............

On the subject of: "Grillz" (EFIZ 1980)

2006-01-12T08:38:00.000-05:00

Today we will be reviewing one of Eric's hobbies, that is, deh rap music. Eric, for some explicable reason, despite being a white, Anglo-Saxon, Evangelical, otherwise average young man somehow enjoys rap music to a great extent. Many people that share Eric's demographic shun away from such music, and often times with good reason. On the other hand, though, there's many times when rap music is just as inane and entertaining as other types of music (pop, for example, or rock), while using no dirty language or "adult themes." Today I will share one such song with you. Granted, they can be few and far between, but nevertheless, I press on. Before we begin, however, I believe a few definitions are in order, for those of us not quite as down with deh "lingo".

Grill - 2- A gold/diamond plate that is molded for your teeth. It is decorated with diamonds and/or gold. ex. "Yo, you clean your grill everyday homie?! they is pure white!" Ice - Huge items which are worn by gangstas as jewelry to show how wealthy they are. Items range from diamond earrings so big their heads are permanently cast to one side, chains so heavy that the individual suffers from chronic neck pains, and rings which take two fingers to wear... ex. "I am so iced out" Editor's note - often time, since Ice (frozen water) is cold, rappers like to make clever puns linking their ice (jewelry) to being something that is very, very cold.

Now that we've got that out of the way, the subject matter of analysis is the rather new song "Grillz" by Nelly feat. Paul Wall, Ali, and Gipp. As I know from past experience, full song lyrics are rarely read, so I will only look at selected lyrics that highlight my enjoyment of the song. The song is basically about how the aforementioned rappers enjoy having so much precious metal and gems in their mouth, and how much their peers derive enjoyment from it as well:

"its da ice man paul wall i got my mouth lookin somethin like a disco ball" - A simple way to start the verse, highlighting that his grill is basically reflecting light like crazy. "my teeth gleaming like im chewin on aluminum foil" - Despite the fact that I wince at the thought of doing such a thing, I can understand that if every one of your teeth was plated in metal or diamonds, that it wouldn't hurt. Anyway, that's not really the point. The point is, his teeth be shiny. "open up my mouth and you see mo carrots than a salad" - Oh, those crazy rappers! So clever with their plays on words! He is clearly linking the words "karat" and "carrot" for absolutely zany results!!!1 "my teeth are mind blowin givin everybody chillz call me george foreman cuz im sellin everybody grillz" - Holy crap this is awesome. That second line is pure lyrical gold. I cannot add anything to this to make is more clear or more awesomer than it is now.

Whew! So many incredible lyricses makes me tired. Today's funny link is fairly simplistic, but amazing nonetheless: wooha!

Cha-chingzor.

2006-01-11T15:07:00.000-05:00

Today has been a good day. You see, at work, I like the technical aspects of my job. This includes installation, maintenence, troubleshooting, and upgrades for all the hardware and software for the store I work at. Sadly, once this stuff becomes organized, not a whole lot of work has to be devoted to this aspect each day, which means I get to do more purchasing, receiving, inventory management-type stuff. Why was today good? Because today was the pre-cursor to what we like to call "new computer day!" I purchased two workstations and two laser printers for our major software upgrade which kicks in next week, and they should be here about Monday, which makes Monday a SUPER New Computer Day. And I like those. I think I'm officially sick, which dampens the enjoyment, but hopefully I'll be well by then. In other news, a fortune cookie recently told me:

Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. [emphasis added]

This is all good and well, but as is my habit, I enjoy appending the words "in bed" to any fortune cookie. Let's look at this one more time before your savory favorite link:

Among the lucky, you are the chosen one, in bed. [emphasis added, duh]

If you think I'm gonna argue or disagree with that, then dood, your just crazy. Ah, so that funny link I was talkin' about. Let's see here.. booya. A classic, hee-larious if you've never seen it before, still dang-entertaining if you have.

The perspective only the McDonalds Drive-Thru can grant.

2006-01-10T09:44:00.000-05:00

As previously noted, I likes me some McDonalds. As such, I'm a common visitor in the drive-thru. Now, if you also keep in mind this post, you would know I get cranky before I eat. Which, coincedentally, would be the whole reason I was sitting in said drive-thru. The problem is, drive-thru's are part of fast food restuarants. And fast-food places sell food cheaply. Cheap food means cheap labor. And cheap labor means... teenagers!!111111111 yay!!!!!111 Anyway, when I'm cranky and in the drive-thru, often a car will stop at the ordering window and sit there. Forever. Young men become old men while I sit behind this car, who must be ordering 8 of each thing on the menu (which, on second thought, would be somewhat quick to ring up and make, compared to the terror some people unleash when they open their mouth to order). And I get angry. Maybe not angry, but certainly impatient. Complaining, sighing, whining all are likely. It's important to note that all this impatience gets targetted at the driver of the car sitting there. Eventually, the thick layer of dust that has been gathering on the car gets kicked up the air as it slowly rolls up to the place where they take your monies. So then it's my turn! Still fired up about waiting so long, I pull up to the place to order, confident that MY order is only going to take 7.6 seconds, in fact I probably shouldn't even stop, because its gonna be so fast that I can yell it at the speaker as I roll by. So I pull up the window, and wait. And wait, and wait. More sound is generated in the vaccuum of space than comes from this poor, stupid speaker. And that's when I realize - it's not the person in the car's fault for having to sit there. They were faced with the same situation as me, and they probably faced the same inconvienence of waiting that I did before I got to the McD's. This, oddly enough, gives me a better perspective on all sorts of things. Things like - when someone is a jerk to me, is it possible that they weren't acting out of spite or hatred to me, but possibly because someone else acted unkindly to him... to sum that up, because they were sinned against. Now obviously the drive-thru is a delightfully trite way to show this point, and the analogy is full of holes, but the point is made nevertheless. I realize this perspective is something that should be elementary, but people have so many faces they can put on, that it can be difficult to remember. Okay, I think that's enough of me for today. Post a comment, have a courier send me over some Triaminic (stupid drainage), and enjoy your funny link: The Universal Decision Maker. Use it whenever there is a yes/no question in your life of monumental importance (like: Should I take a half day at work today because I feel like crap and its ruining my already diminished productivity? Interestingly, I asked it, and it said "yes". I think the real use of this tool is when you have a question you ask it, and you watch the little spiders advance - whichever spider you are hoping wins, is the answer you should pick, not which spider actually wins.)

The source of funny link power.

2006-01-09T12:27:00.000-05:00

IMPORTANT NOTE REGARDING COMMENTS: You know the word verification thing you have to try and decipher each time you comment here? Try and remember to add whatever letter sequence you type to the end of your comment, sometimes they're funny. At least one of mine has said "sex" in there before. Oh, and if you misspell it, you have to add as many "words" as you try to do before getting it right. Feel free to leave an interpretation or analysis of the acronym it forms if you feel the need. For a good example of this, see the first comment to this post. Because Brad refreshes my blog every five minutes, he managed to comment about seven minutes after this was posted. Sometimes it's fun to reveal a secret. Many people ask me how I manage to come up with so many funny links. Except for two, all of them were located with this wonderful tool called StumbleUpon. StumbleUpon is one of several social networking tools that put method to the madness of finding stuff on the Internets that you would like, but you wouldn't know that you liked until you saw it. It is an extension for Firefox that installs a toolbar on your browser, with several buttons on it. It looks like this: When you first set it up, StumbleUpon asks you about a large number of categories, and whether you have any interest in them. You pick categories that appeal to you, and then you're ready to stumble! Whenever you click Stumble, you will be sent to a random link that falls into one of those categories. From there, you can either give it up a thumbs up or thumbs down, depending on whether you dig it or not. Whichever you give it, this impacts your further stumble's, as the program will send you to either pages that people who liked the rated page also liked, or pages that people who didn't like the rated page also didn't like. Over time, the randomness decreases, and you see pages that appeal to people that like what you like, and dislike what you dislike. One thing to note: StumbleUpon's makers, in an attempt to make some cash-money-what-what, occasionally will send you to the page of a vendor paying to be listed there. I assume that it sends you to vendors that have something to do w/ the categories you picked, so alot of times this isn't necessarily a bad thing =). So there you have it. Oddly enough, today's funny link has nothing to do with StumbleUpon, and I would probably never stumble to the page for it. It comes to us courtesy of Adam J. Walka', who tragically, can not buy one of these despite being the keeper of this super-leet being, because, simply put, she has no use for such a device. Anyway, enough rambling, here it is: What is this strange device, and why doesn't Sara Kate need it? Well that's because its the Peter Potty flushable urinal! As is my custom to say, holy crap that's awesome. With a device like this, the propensity of the people who write product descriptions to write something hilarious increases abillionfold. Let's have a look at some choice quotes:

...The potty is adjustable by 4 inches, allowing the proper positioning to help with the child’s accuracy... ...If Dad feels comfortable doing so, use the toilet or Peter Potty in front of your child... ...Many boys start potty training outside on a tree, wall or fence. Transition to Peter Potty will be easy because he is still able to continue standing like his Daddy or big brother...

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Goofy to cranky in 7 seconds or your money back.

2006-01-06T23:37:00.000-05:00

The wife and I don't get fussy with each other too often. We don't get upset too much, we don't really argue, I've never actually said enough to get sharp cutlery thrown at me. This is a good thing(tm). But there's something about the time right before I eat dinner that there is some sort of change in me. I go from being the sweet loving husband dood we all know, to this bear of a easily-upsetable, likely-to-snap-at-you-able, give-me-food-or-go-away beast. It's real odd too. As far as I know (I'll be corrected if this is incorrect =p), it suddenly occurs, it's not really a gradual transition. Even more odd, is that when I do get food (or drink thats not water), it instantly corrects the crankiness, usually. As in, if we goto the restuarant, I'm all pissy, and I get a coke... within 3 sips, I'm (again, I *perceive* I'm) back to happiness. I think this must have something to do with sugar levels. Any armchair doctors or dieticians or nutritionists wanna take a stab at this? Funny link: The Surrealist Complement Generator!!!!111oneone I don't really understand this funny link, but I know when something is funny (or mildly amusing, or "meh", or whatnot, depending on your outlook). Here's some of its output that entertained me (refresh the page to get a new "complement"):

You are the sound of one lip kissing. - this one is of course, for the ladies Your wit, your teeth, your pasty reflection can but incorporate freely into the powerful surface of a disintegrating mirror set afloat upon a swarm of locusts. - this one goes a long way in describing me... but then kinda sets itself on fire and runs around the room screaming about midway through. Your brother's chicken coop is as abundant as the home port of the U.S. Navy's Sixth Fleet. - true conversationalists could work this one into their grammar and still be understood. I am not one of those such persons.

Oh and to all the haters who might think I would dare to backdate... it's currently 11:54pm on Friday, January 6th. Rox.

2006-01-05T07:56:00.000-05:00

So this morning I went to McDonald's. It is a poor habit, but it's what I do, often enough. I ordered one of their leet cinnamon rolls, took it to work, and am currently sitting here chowing down. I paused for a moment when I pulled out the bag, and on the top of the box written in pen it said "1/6/06". Now, today is 1/5/06. I understand that the date written on the box was probably what day this lovely cinnamon roll would expire on and could no longer be sold to customers. What concerns me is the "/06" part. What does this mean? Does this mean that a cinnamon roll is good for over a year, and therefore it is important to keep track of what year each cinnamon roll will be good till? I guess I should be happy though. At least my cinnamon roll didn't say 4/23/87 on it, or something. Anyway, let's see what link we have for you guyses today. This is fairly inane, but what funny link isn't? ta-da

Deh miners

2006-01-04T12:57:00.000-05:00

Usually my blog attempts to be a retreat from the rigors of life, from dealing with money, stress, work, anger, traffic, whatnot... but this whole miners in WV thing is killin me. I don't really have any commentary to add other than what's been said, but the whole "your-family-members-and-loved-ones-are-alive-oh-wait-our-bad-they're-all-dead-except-one" thing is pretty stunning. This guy's face pretty much sums it up for me, the photograph captures the grief as best a two-dimensional image can: Anyway, don't really have anything else to say. All I can say is, I hope the one miner they did rescue manages to survive. Today's funny link is more mildly amusing than funny. Try moving the sliders back and forth.

The best Christmas present

2006-01-03T07:43:00.000-05:00

[Today's post is our first guest post. The wife is due to post one about my sleeping habits, but she's been too busy and therefore you get this nugget of joy instead. This post was written by one Mr. David Sinyard.] I just wanted to share the highlight of my Christmas season. As you may know, Heather and I went to New York last week. We just flew back today and guess who I sat next to? That's right, Blood Raw. Apparently, he had been performing with Young Jeezy on the MTV New Year's eve show and was flying back home to Atlanta. We exchanged the standard pleasantries as he sat down, and then he went to sleep. Almost immediately he starts snoring ridiculously loud. People 10 rows in front of us are turning around to see what the noise is that is keeping us all from sleeping. Had it been a middle aged white guy, I probably would have given him a little nudge. Somehow I just couldn't bring myself to mess with this guy. Arriving home, I do a little more research on my new friend. Here's a quote from the (editor's note: when this website loads, you'll be serenaded with the artists of Corporate Thugz Entertainment rapping nice and loud through your speakers. Just an FYI =) Corporate Thugz website: "Defiantly unafraid, Blood Raw earned his name during a 6 1/2 year prison sentence after inmates noticed his monster like approach when delivering rhymes under basketball hoops." Starting off the year in company like that is surely a sign of a great things to come! Today's funny link has little to do with gangster rap or the sitting-next-to of people who perform it: Postal Experiments - these doods are pretty clever.

Things that make you go... wha?

2006-01-02T13:42:00.000-05:00

So yesterday, the wife and I stop at the Publix to pick up a few items, one of which is deodorant for me. She goes and gets a few items, and I get the deodorant, then find her down one of the aisles. As we're walking to pick up some bread, she says, c"oh, by the way, I knocked your deodorant into the toilet a few days ago." What??????? She tells me that since it was on the edge of the counter by the sink, she moved something, and it bounced into the toilet. She then explains that she quickly retrieved it and washed it off. I was perplexed. Not because she did it (she's right, it does live on the edge of the counter), but because of one important fact: She only remembered this harrowing story once she saw that I was buying new deodorant. Had I not purchased it that day, she would have continually lived in a state of selective memory bliss. Perhaps I should hold up some other personal hygiene products in front of her to see if any others trigger important memories. And who knows how my armpits would be smelling. Anyway, I'm really just trying to make her laugh, because, little does she know, that I accidentally threw her toothbrush in the toilet alittle over 8 months ago. Oopsie Doo! Today's funny link is alittle deeper than usual. By deeper, I mean that its hard to tell if the site is trying to be funny or serious. If it's trying to be funny, then its a good Funny Link. If it's trying to be serious, then it's disheartening... but an even better Funny Link! Date To Save It's a site for hot women, teaching them in the path of missionary dating. The highlight is by far the Tips section, here's your quote:

9. If he gets angry that you won't put out... Clarify to him that W.W.J.D. does NOT mean "Who would Jesus Do."

I'm glad that she took the time and effort to clear out that common misconception. On a more serious (hahahah) note, the Stuff you could buy me and I wouldn't complain post has been updated, with a shirt sold in a shop linked from the Date To Save site.

Astounding...

2005-12-30T10:15:00.000-05:00

It's amazing what will come out of mouth sometimes. We'll be having a casual conversation, and all of the sudden, that crazy Eric dood says something like, "listen, women, all guys really want from a woman is... a buddy they can have sex with." Now, you see, some of you have already judged what I mean by this. Hey, you might be right! But you might not. What I mean to say is that, when you get past all of the "you complete me" and "you're my soul mate" mumbo jumbo, at the root, boiled down to its most logical, what a guy wants from a woman is the ability to do the same types of things of things he does with his male friends, except being able to find them physically attractive, hawt, even. Basically, I've tried to do something that usually shouldn't be done, trying to boil something down to a logical formula, when it shouldn't be done like that. I'm ignoring many aspects of relationships. Also, this theory was first advanced (well, advanced to me) by the all-wise Mr. Brad Wright, or so I think so. I vaguely recall him being the first to say something along these lines, many years ago, and his wisdom has stood the test of time, or something. I've done some further studies into this, as well. There's roughly three archetypes of "buddy", from what I've found:

Sports: The couple relates on a level of enjoyment of watching or playing sports, or the opposite - they both dislike or are apathetic to sports. Josh and Kim are the classical example here. Both enjoy college and pro football. Sadly, Josh loses 15 man points because Kim likes it more than him. Music: Both in the relationship enjoy listening to or making music greatly. Ben and Gina hit this mark. Ben with his gee-tar and fiddle (read: violin), and Gina with her voice. Geek: A kind of catch-all for many types of couples, as there are many things to be geeks about. Video games, board games, card games, computing in general, you know, stuff like that. The wife and I fall in here. I contend the wife has the geek flag, she just doesn't let it fly as much as she should. Seraphine, level 13 druid, I'm looking at joo.

Anyway, just look around you. Certain people can be pigeonholed very easily into one of the categories. For example... a quick read of this very quickly shows us where Pamela fits in (if you can't be bothered to click on deh link and read it, there's a quote from a guy to Pamela re: dating advice that reads, "eat bbq, talk football and you can get any guy". This certainly applies to the gentleman that gave the advice, who is suffering heavily from the psychological phenomena that convinces people that everyone thinks like he does. Nevertheless, we know Pamela fits into the Sports archetype, specifically Georgia football.) Anyway, you get the idea. Tell me how I'm totally wrong or undermining the "sacred relationship between two people who were meant to be together and have been destined to come together at some amazing point in there life where the guy is walking across the street and the girl accidentally hits him with her car and then she feels real bad and totally cries and takes him to the hospital where he recovers and thinks shes really hawt and it turns out she just came out of this horrible relationship with a guy who didn't respect her but she finds out that the hit-with-my-car-oops guy totally respects her except for this one time where she finds out that his ex-girlfriend was over at his house when she had to work late and he knows hes screwed up so he brings her flowers but other than that they are completely right for each other and feel so complete when they are in each others arms and they totally fall in love and get married and make lots of little babies and the babies grow up and become little kids and the guy coaches one of them on the soccer team and they suck real bad but eventually they find teamwork and end up playing the hardest team in the 5 and 6 yr old little league team which is the the team that snuck some 7 and 8 yr olds on their team to win and they end up playing the hard team in the finals not that little league soccer has finals but they did it anyway cause this is a magical relationship forged by the gods and anyway they play them and the one real inspirational kid on the team gets bicycle kicked in the shoulder by some mean almost 8 yr old kid and like dislocates his shoulder or something" part of relationships. You get the idea. Oh, and to build off of yesterday's funny link, here's something very closely related: The Astor Cube Prank.

The Duel.

2005-12-29T07:51:00.000-05:00

From time to time, the wife and I will enter into a vocal altercation which I like to call "The Duel" (yes it's "The", I realize it happens more than once so it can't be uniquely referred to, but its such a momentous occasion, that is has to be like that.) These Duels occur any time one of us says something to the other that the other contends is flat out wrong. It could be a scientific fact: "I am absolutely sure the moon is 45,000 miles from Earth", or it could be a more relational type of fact: "Your brother said he wanted a [whatever] for Christmas." Once the fact has been asserted by person A, person B has a choice. They can either let it go, and assume that person A was correct, or they can challenge it. Challenging it can be dangerous, but sometimes it must be done. If we happen to remember, we usually look up the answer on the Intarnets and let it settle who won. A recent duel dealt with whether it takes more or less keystrokes on a Nokia or Motorola cell phone to get to a persons name in your Contacts list if their name was one of the last to start with a given letter. I was slain in that duel. A duel last night was a very odd one. We were driving, and it was dark. I flipped the rear view mirror so that it was shaded, and in the reflection of headlights behind me, I read that someone had written in the smudges on the mirror, "H DID IT." (that is, deh wife did it.) Did what? Yeah, not really sure. Probably did the writing on the mirror, or so I reasoned. I immediately asked her why she did that, and the duel was on. She started with the typical "I never write on mirrors", so I asked her who else could have done it. In a sheer fit of impossibility, she asserted that it was obviously ME who did it, and that I forgot about it, and now that forgetting was allowing the me-of-several-weeks/months-ago to accuse her of doing something I did! She's probably right. Today's Funny Link: The Great McDonald's Sign Prank

Kind of scatterbrained today...

2005-12-28T14:07:00.000-05:00

... what an unusual way for me to be. as if. Anyway, saw The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe last night, and it roxed me. Incredible artistic display of Christ's sacrifice, despite all the critics whining that it didn't fully capture the book's essence or feeling (when has a movie ever done this to a book? has it ever happened once? why do they even expect it.) What's even more amazing is that this portrayal occurs despite the movie being a Hollywood blockbuster, and produced/distributed/whatever by Disney. I highly recommend it. Today's funny link: communication course #1 - I highly recommend this to anyone looking to improve the tone and influence of their emails - :)

Eating is unfair to some.

2005-12-27T08:01:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, I'm skinny. And the wife is skinny. We're like, real skinny. Somewhere between overactive metabolisms and a wussy appetite, the skinniness persists. Not that we're complaining. The point is, when the wife and I go out to eat, we typically can't eat what has become the standard portion size for an entree at your run-of-the-mill American resturant. So, to save money and be alittle more intelligent, we often split an entree. Mockery occurs when the two of us still can't eat all of one entree. Especially from more... well-rounded Americans, who do not discriminate against any type of food. Before I continue, there is one other important detail - leftovers. For whatever reason, the wife and I lack the ability to eat leftovers. I'm not sure if its because we forget about them until its too late, or what, but they will sit in the fridge waaay too long. So anyway, when we go eat, we often leave food on the plate(s). So the waiter/waitress will often ask if we want a box to take it home. The poor waiter/waitress doesn't know we won't eat it, but is just doing his/her job. We (read: I) eventually got tired of being asked this question, so I came up with a game to play when we got asked it. The game went like this: If we didn't eat all our food, and the waiter asked us if we wanted a box, we HAD to say yes. We'd let them bring the box out, and put the leftover food in it. We'd pay for the food, but then intentionally leave the box on the table, and then try and make it to the car without the waiter bringing the box out to us! Now, you might be thinking/about to comment, "what? that's a lame game. You're wasting styrofoam containers!" Well, don't worry about it too much. We've only played it once. At IHOP. It rocked. And when I say "we", I of course mean "I". Ah well. Today's funny link is food-related as well, sorta. Somehow, this dood acquired weightwatchers recipe cards from 1974. He scanned them all in, and then offered up commentary on each of the scrumptous dishes. Enjoy. Oh, and another thing, I'm working on a Pre-Cognitive-Comment-Predictor, which is a made-up device that will guess what people will post. Let's see how it will work: Comment: the wife "whatever... don't try and include me in this game. this was your idea. and those recipe cards look gross... yuck." Myself, the press, and the whole civilized world are eagerly waiting to see if this prediction will ring true.

Like, woah.

2005-12-26T21:23:00.000-05:00

So the wife and I are moving in a new little house, as previously discussed (too lazy to link, the faithful will remember this detail.) My boss bought a small horse farm, so we were there painting our little cottage today. We also got a tour of the house he (deh boss) was going to stay at. It's a pretty house, all cosy, blah blah blah. But then we got to the basement. There was a SEVENTY (70") inch TV down there. To get a good idea on how large this was, consult the following diagram. It contrasts our current 20" TV with a 70" TV. Note that the TV's are actually proportional to each other, this is how they would compare, if they lived in mspaint.exe-land. Woah. At this point you may be thinking "what the crap eric, stop coveting thy neighbors 70 teevee." No worries. When I saw it, I spoke with authority, and said that I was gonna go ahead and claim gaming rights to it when me and my boyz wanted to play some xbox or ps2. Fear not bloggers, the elite among you will be sure to be given rights to game on it... and just imagine DDR on it... like, woah. Today's funny link is about teh... Needies!!!1... kind of hard to explain, may be put on the "buy me this stuff" list upon further research.

I sooo backdated this post to Friday...

2005-12-23T23:48:00.000-05:00

... so that it would look like I posted it on Friday, when today, in fact, is Saturday. You addicts already know this, because you checked it all day yesterday, and first thing when you got up on today, just in case I updated after you went to sleep. Still sick, still sux, but I did get one of the coolest presents evar. At least so far. The stuff the wife got me hasn't been opened yet, so hopefully she'll beat it. Anyway, without further jibbajabba, this is what I got: I'm kinda one of those kids who gets a real nice present, but then thinks the box is the coolest thing in the world. This book probably didn't cost very much, (a mere 8.99 on Amazon), and I got some stuff that cost alot more than that, but this is the favoritest so far. Anyway, as for a funny link, let's see: How about the Jenga architect. Check it out.

Routines

2005-12-22T21:48:00.000-05:00

Short post today, cause once again, my poor, frail, fragile excuse for a body is sick. I said a long time ago I would occasionally share personal information about myself. Well here goes nothing: Somehow, someway, in the last 8 months, in my routine in going the bathroom, the part where I zip up my fly on my pants has fallen out of the steps. I mean, sometimes I remember, but I can't say that its at or near 90%. Interesting life I live. Today's funny link: http://pimpmynutcracker.com/. Seems pretty self-explanatory to me.

Fragged For Our Sins, its subsidiaries and affiliates...

2005-12-21T08:21:00.000-05:00

I like the Internet. I like email. I send lots of important information through email. So do lots of employees for lots of companies. Sometime in the last ten years, alot of these companies realized that, wait asecond, we might be held liable for the content of ANY given email our employees send out! WE BETTER DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT. Some of them are rather tame, just a little note that says, "hey, guy, you better not send this email to someone it shouldn't go to! That would be quite naughty!" I'd like to share with you the Eric-approved three stages of email signature disclaimers (ESD's). Oh, and because its funnier, they will be named after the different types of Taco Bell's taco sauce, in increasing spiciness: (note: the ESD's are in italics solely to make them harder to read, because your not supposed to read them here anyway)

Stage One "Mild" This communication, including attachments, is for the exclusive use of addressee and may contain proprietary, confidential and/or privileged information. If you are not the intended recipient, any use, copying, disclosure, dissemination or distribution is strictly prohibited. If you are not the intended recipient, please notify the sender immediately by return e-mail, delete this communication and destroy all copies. Nice. Basically says, if this email isn't for you, please don't do anything bad with it. We appreciate it. By the way, let our dumb employee know if they made the error of sending this to the wrong person, if you are in fact the wrong person. kthx. Stage Two "Hot" This email and its attachments are confidential under applicable law are intended for use of the senders addressee only, unless the sender expressly agrees otherwise, or unless a separate written agreement exists between [company] and a recipient company governing communications between the parties and any data that may be so transmitted. Transmission of email over the Internet is not a secure communications medium. If you are requesting or have requested the transmittal of personal data, as defined in applicable privacy laws, by means of email or in an attachment to email, you may wish to select a more secure alternate means of transmittal that better supports your obligations to protect such personal data. If the recipient of this message is not the recipient named above, and/or you have received this email in error, you must take no action based on the information in this email. You are hereby notified that any dissemination, misuse or copying or disclosure of this communication by a recipient who has received this message in error is strictly prohibited. If this message is received in error please return this email to the sender and immediately highlight any error in transmittal. Thank You This company really has some faith in the power of people reading this and its content standing up in court. It basically says everything that a Stage One ESD says, but also takes a few more shots at the employee: "Transmission of email over the Internet is not a secure communications medium." Well, thats good to know, unless sensitive data was already sent in the email that this is appended to! Anyway, you get the idea. Violate that agreement right there, and all the sudden, the SWAT team will be breaking through the skylight in your office (EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SKYLIGHT), coming down ropes attached to stealth black helicopters, to lay down some email justice on your boo-tay. Stage Three "Fire" [company] Financial Network is the marketing name for the sales and distribution arm of [company] Life Insurance Company and its subsidiaries and affiliates. Associate Agent, [company] Insurance Company ([company]), [city, state], life insurance, annuities and disability income insurance, [some insurance agent]. [company] Long Term Care Insurance Company (LTC), [city, state], long-term care insurance. NLTC is a subsidiary of [company]. Registered Representative, [company] Investment Services, LLC, (MIS) (A[address), variable life insurance and variable annuities. MIS is a wholly-owned company of [company] and is a member of the NASD and SIPC. [company] is not a broker-dealer. There may be instances when this agent represents insurance companies in addition to [company] or LTC. Your transmission of electronic mail to this address represents your consent to two-way communication by Internet e-mail. If you received this in error, please contact the sender and delete the material from any computer on which it exists. [company], its subsidiaries and affiliates may review and retain incoming and outgoing electronic mail for this e-mail address for quality assurance and regulatory compliance purposes. Communications that are received via the Secure Message Center are secure. Communications that are not received via the Secure Message Center website may not be secure or encrypted, and could be observed by a third party. If you prefer not to receive any e-mail communication from [company] or our Financial Representatives, please click the following link: E-Mail Opt-ut from [company] In the event that you cannot click on the above link, the [company] Opt-out form can be found at the following URL: [long url] [long address] While not that much incredibly longer than the Hot URL, it was much longer before I anonymized it. Nevertheless, this ESD makes up for its length with exhaustiveness. Technically, this ESD could be its own email and it would be no problem at all. It covers all sorts of who-owns-who-and-who-cares, if-we-sent-this-to-you-in-error-oops!-our-bad-please-delete, if-this-is-spamming-you-here's-how-to-fix-that, and we-save-this-email-for-customer-service-review!

Whew, just thinking about reading those again makes me tired. I think whenever I post a comment now, I'm gonna make me alittle disclaimer like these. Probably a Fire-type one. Should be leet. Today's funny link: Small Ads From the UK - this ones kind of odd, and british. Here's a preview:

Nemesis Wanted: I'm 5'10, into kayaking, books and conversation (by day), justice, honour, and vengeance (by night). Seeking arch-enemy, possible crimelord or deformed megalomaniac.

Nice.

The smartest man... EVAR.

2005-12-20T10:11:00.000-05:00

Now... I've never claimed to be the smartest man. And don't be deluded into thinking that that title up thur' is implying such. Also note the use of the leetspeak word Evar. As usual, the Wikipedia comes through with more information on the frequent and intentional misspellings of words than you would evar want to know. Anyway, back to my smartness, which is of course the topic at hand. I'd like to spend alittle time reviewing the two landmark and defining moments in how smart I am:

Episode One: Date and time: Unknown. Sometime when me and the wife were in the pimp Camry. Word of controversy: Parisian The wife and I were driving around deh Gwinnett Place Mall, and I noticed the department store Parisian. In a fit of absolute brilliance, after having seen this place at least 25 other times, it occured to me that...wait asecond, a Parisian could be... someone from Paris!!! Holy crap, that makes sense. Being the type of person to blurt out whatever comes to mind, I immediately shared this with my poor wife, and she gave me this look of utter disbelief that I had just figured this out. I gave her a look back, that said, "whatever woman, you've been to Paris, thats the only reason you know that that word means someone from Paris." Episode Two: Date and Time: Who knows. It's been within the last year, though. Word of controversy: Chick-Fil-A I really like Chick-Fil-A. I go there alot. Probably alot more than I should. But for a long time (how long? Well I first remember eating at a Chick-Fil-A around age 12, and I came upon this epiphany of epiphanies around age 24... so 12 years), I never really understood it's name. What the crap is a "Fil-A"? At some point, with the wife again, it occured to me... wait asecond, they sell chicken at Chick-Fil-A... chicken comes in filets... MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, Fil-A means filet!!11oneoneeleventyone!!!11Cos(0)1111!11 Sadly, I didn't have a retort to my dear wife when she looked at me in sobering shock, this time.

Today's funny link is for the geeks out there. Have fun: Office Poltergeist

Deh pope.

2005-12-19T07:48:00.000-05:00

So this morning on the radio, during one of the news sections, they said that the pope recently said that Christmas was being commercialized and that expensive gifts were not the aim of the season, but that joy was. I find this interesting, because this is exactly the same plot of a certain, celebrated, Christmas movie: That's right ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about A Charlie Brown Christmas. I think, in true Eric-style deductive reasoning, we can assume that one of the following is true:

1. The Pope just watched A Charlie Brown Christmas, liked it, decided that its message was probably right. 2. The Pope was going to say what he said anyway, and it just happened to line up with the Christmas special (because its, uh, true). 3. Charlie Brown is Catholic.

I have my suspicions on which of these is the case, I hope you will choose wisely. Today I give a shout out to the Huh Corp. From their website:

Our name will confuse you, but, you have to admit, the logo design is pretty cool. And we're good at turning regular words into "e-words," such as "e-consulting," "e-business" or "e-sexual harassment." Our office is really modern and we've got nice computers and stuff. If you ever saw it, you'd say "Wow, cool office. These guys are legit."

Poor little addicts.

2005-12-16T23:07:00.000-05:00

The blog world is a funny one. You think people aren't checking your blog, you post regularly, and then when you miss a normal time you post, people start asking. Even the wife, who isn't even on the computer that much at home, ax'd me what the deal was, even talking a bit of smack. Well fear not, its 11:08 pm, still Friday, and here I am. The gathering at the Ben and Gina's was incredible last night. We really all connected close together, and I think that in terms of the spiritual bond between us, much growth occured. God roxxors. I haven't been taking my antibiotic as I should, and either because of that or something else, I'm getting sick again. This leads to little motivation to blog or think up stuff to blog about, hence the shortness of this entry. Here's your funny link, courtesy of Jason, (yes its another t-shirt site, this ones fairly original as these types of sites go, enjoy... or don't: Elameno Tees.

Electricity > me

2005-12-15T13:27:00.000-05:00

So today I got to work at 7:30am. At 7:35am, the power to the entire store goes down, and all that can be heard is the crazed chirping of uninterruptible power supplies begging for power, so they can stop draining their precious battery. I was standing near my boss, and all he had to say was, "Now I'm pissed." Being a hardware store, we have all sorts of neato things to help weather a power outage... like, for instance, a generator! We fired that sucker up, ran some cords, and all of the sudden we had lighting, a phone system, and a functioning register. We sat in the dark for about 2 hours, and then all of the sudden, it was back on. And then the crowds came. An incredible number of cold-at-home or in-the-dark-at-home customers came out of the woodwork and descended on the store, wanting kerosene, propane, heaters, and all manner of other sorts of be-comfortable-but-maybe-burn-your-trailer-park-down products. Anyway, we had maybe 3 or 4 people staffing a store and a customer volume that typically would be handled by about 7, and did pretty well considering. I post on something more topical, as my previous entires were, but I'm pooped so all you get is a rendition of what occured. Here's a link to chew on, this guy needa a new hobby: Pictures of Pennies.

Whoops...

2005-12-14T08:08:00.000-05:00

So I told you it was my birthday on Sunday. Didn't have a cake, although my mom did mail me 18$ in Baskin Robbins gift certificates. Every year growing up, I would have a Baskin Robbins mint chocolate chip ice cream cake. As I reached my teenage years, my dear family grew tired of this same thing every year, but I stayed faithful. Anyway, on Thursdays, the good Mr. Ben has been holding a weekly gathering of believers in his and his wife's home, for about two months. It totally rox. One of the other persons who attends is named Pam, and her birthday is on this week too! So we wanted to have a cake, so since I had the gift cert's, I said I would get the cake. Now, its kind of funny to order your own birthday cake, especially when you just told the lady that your name is Eric, and at the same time you want the same name written on the cake. I decided to have it read "Happy Birthday Eric and Pam!", which sounds like we're twins or something, but we're not, we just both happen to be born in the coolest month of the year (stupid accidental unintentional puns.) So I call up BR and order the cake, and because my phone is a piece of trash, she has trouble understanding me at some points in the conversation. This is a bad thing to have happen when you're trying to order a birthday cake. The lady asks what I want the cake to have written on it, and I say "Happy Birthday Eric and Pam!" To verify, she repeats back to me, "E - r - i - c?", and then "K - i - m?" Now, those of you I will see Thursday afternoon, this is my formal apology if the cake doesn't say what it should. To correct her error in thinking it was supposed to be "Kim", I said the following... this is where it all went wrong: "no, not Kim, Pam, as in P-as-in-Paul - a m." Crap. I have brainstormed what I think the cake will end up saying, and my best guess is that I'm going to get a cake that says, "Happy Birthday Eric and Paulam." Oh well, if that happens, I'll just eat the "aul" and then it will be, oddly, even odder: "Happy Birthday Eric and P___am." I guess you guys need a funny link, huh. I dare say there's some of you that just skip down here to this part, cause sometimes my funny links are much funnier than my posts. Even more henious, I bet some people have gone through the archive, just cherry picking the funny links. I may have to start hiding them again, but not today. Anyway,enjoy.

A note about the IGNE...

2005-12-13T08:52:00.000-05:00

A quick note about the International Goat Naming Extravaganza. I've received over 125 goat names so far, from about 15 people. This is alot more goat names than I expected. Just for my own entertainment more than anything else, I'd like to go through how the winning goat name will be chosen (this will also give a slight edge to those wanting to like, actually win, or something.) I'm gonna take all the goat names, throw em on a list. Some of them will be crossed out immediately, as I simply can't be yelling "C'mere, you Lil' Shit!" (actual submitted name) every day of the week. Other names, the wife has veto power on, and will exercise it liberally. She especially doesn't like Tina as a goat name. After that, the remaining names will be rated on four categories:

Humor Value - How funny is the goat name? Will I grin when I consider that my goat is named this? Will other people think this goat name is funny? If it's two names to be used in conjunction with each other, do they make each other funnier? This will be rated on a 1 to 10 scale. Examples submitted that would score well in this category: Fabio, Chuck Norris, Lemonjello and Orangello Name Becoming Of A Goat - Simply put, does the name sound like a name a goat would have? Regardless of whether its funny, the name will have to sound like something a goat would be named. Rated 1 to 10. Examples submitted that would score well in this category: Myrtle, Stanley, Betty, Sonny Name Becoming Of An Animal That Faints - A category of lesser importance, but many of the names are geared as jokes/puns due to the fact that it is, of course, a fainting goat. Rated 1 to 10. Examples submitted that would score well in this category: Whoopsie and Daisy, Stiff, Scape, Teeter and Totter "Call-outability" - This category deals with how easy is it to call out the give name across the quiet pasture/field. Certain names are harder to yell... for example, it seems that a name like "Chill Right Be Money" would be a tad difficult to say too often, making it a unpleasant goat name. Other names use words that have a stigma attached to them ("Come here, Sodom, cmere little Sodom, come to Eric!"), or, as mentioned above, outright cuss words (the goat name "'Lil Shit" would score a 0 in this category.) Also, if the names are coupled together for two goats, this category will rate how easy it is to tell them apart. If the names sound identical, then the goats might get confused, and that would suxxor. Rated 1 to 10. Examples submitted that would score well in this category: Goat, Guacamole (not really easy to say, but a fun word to say nevertheless), Crush and Squirt

Once they've all been scored, highest scoring names will be reviewed, and the one the wife and I like best, wins. So current and would-be goat-namers, good luck to you all. All goat names still should be posted as a comment to this post. Today's funny link contains an item that many times in my life I've wished I had before. iparklikeanidiot.com

"That Guy"

2005-12-12T08:17:00.000-05:00

Greetings, faithful blog readers. Yesterday was my birthday, and it was a grand ole' time. The Fish even gave me a small present, in the form of hearing "Christmas Shoes" for the 8th time. I've been quite upset at how often I've been hearing it, a mere three times in the last 10 days. Anyway, I'd like to describe a phenomenon that I have experienced twice in my life, despite my own dismay. You see, there is an interesting effect known as the "That Guy" syndrome that I hope you never have to endure. Put more simply, That Guy is that one person who does something that is agitating in a peculiar way, a very specific way. Let's review the two known cases when I have become That Guy. (It seems likely I've been That Guy in other ways, I'm just oblivious to them.)

[supplement to EFIZ1980] Incident #1 - Location: Woodruff Dining Hall, Tech campus Time: I dunno, awhile back First, some background information. At the dining halls on Tech's campus, 99% of diners have a special card that is charged at the beginning of the semester for all the meals a given student will eat at the dining hall. All that has to be done to account for the student using up one of his allocated meals is the quick swiping of a card through a card reader. Even when 10 or 15 students arrive all at once, it only takes a few moments to push them all through the line. For whatever reason, I didn't have one of these special cards during my latter years at Tech. Typically I would make spaghetti or bbq a squirrel or something like that when I was hungry. Occasionally, I would goto the dining hall for alittle variety. Woe be it to you, however, if you didn't have one of these smartcards for quick processing on entering the dining hall. Why is it such a woeful position to be in? Because the "cashiers" (I know, I know I'm "abusing" the whole " thing today) only have to swipe these cards all day, their skillz at handling, counting, and processing cash money begin to fade. So if you want to eat, and don't have a card, you're using cash. And it takes forever. Like, a technical unit of measure of "forever." The line behind you grows to 7,300 students, all waiting on you to get out of the way so they can zip through and eat. When this happens, you become the famous "That Guy." In this case, that is shorthand for "that guy who paid cash and held up the whole line for an hour and a half." I don't recommend it. [/supplement to EFIZ1980] Incident #2 - Location: All over the place. Work, home, church, on the phone. Time: Anytime of the day. Quite often. The second recorded use of "That Guy" is... "that guy who always tries to relate everything to his blog." I used to not be able to understand this person, unable to believe that I could become that person. My friends, I am now "That Guy." Every conversation comes back to this blippin' blog, whether it be goat naming, shots in the butt, or urinal design conventions (not a convention where professionals/etc all get together in a stadium, but like design standards... cmon you wierdo, why would you think there were urinal design conventions?? [UrinalDesignCon 2006 or Bust!!!!11]) Anyway, it's me now. It's very sad. I hope, if you talk to me irl, that you've read up on the blog, or you're gonna be lost, or agitated that I keep mentioning it.

Another day, another post. Remember to submit your goat names. We've had some good entries, and theres alot more names than I was expecting. This is gonna be tough. Today's funny link would take several hours to read in its entirety, but that doesn't stop me from linking it. It's called Things My Girlfriend And I Have Argued About, and it is amazingly thorough. Even if you can only read a few of the bullet points, at least go and marvel at the sheer exhaustiveness of it all.

Geek guys rule.

2005-12-09T18:32:00.000-05:00

In some small way, this post is a continuation of the now-famous "Stuff Ladies Didn't Know, And Probably Could Have Lived The Rest Of Their Days NOT Knowing And Be Just Fine" series, except this time it's stuff the Ladies Didn't Know, and Should Know! Read with confidence that this is true. Today's post is an offshoot of today's funny links, and will pull from them extensively: A Girl's Guide to Geek Guys and Geek Guys. As an introduction:

So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here. All the sinister dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot girls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills. Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one night stand? Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all his own. In short, a geek.

I couldn't agree more, probably because I'm a geek. Being a geek however, I like to use logic. So let's examine this first link's reasons:

1. They are generally available. - What can I say. When "the wife", that is, my wife, found me, I was available. Geeks as a whole tend to goto less social events that "normal" people goto, and their "game" is typically not as on as more socially adept dudes. 2. Other women will tend not to steal them. - Even better than reason 1! As long as the female populace as a whole fails to realize how great geeks are, life is good. 3. They can fix things. - Rox on. The geek mindset is predisposed to fixing and improving. How helpful. 4. Your parents will love them. - Haven't really seen this one play out in my own relationship, but they certainly are accepting of me =) [as far as I know.] 5. They're smart. - Not much to say here. They can at least act smart, which is useful.

Although this list should be plenty to convince any female that obviously a geek guy is the best type of guy, there's more! Now, to shift gears. Let's analyze some specific areas of geek lifestyle that are very important/attractive. This pulls from the second link:

Music - This can be anything. In fact, what makes this a common element among Geek guys, is their love of music and variety of it. Everything from Rock to Alternative to Classical to Oldies to Opera to Folk music. One thing I have seen is a tendency to dislike Country music. I'm not quite sure why this is. Eric's notes on Music: Definitely true, at least in my experience. Both the fact that there's variety, and that country is deh sux. Romantic - Geek guys are romantic. Yes, Geek guys are the hopeful romantics of the world. They want to be the Knight in shining armor, the poet of love, the bearer of gifts. He will bring you flowers and candy on Valentine's Day. He will remember your birthday. He will take you out to dinner in a nice restaurant. Eric's notes on Romantic: From the geeks I've known and my personal experience, this is uber-true. Hopefully the wife will chime in, in depth, on the content of this post... Passionate about Pleasure - When the glasses come off, watch out. A Geek guy is very passionate and has a hidden wild streak. He is very eager to please and be pleased. If you have a fantasy... he will try to fulfill it, especially if the fantasy involves role-playing. And your Geek guy probably has a couple of fantasies that would make a sailor blush. Ask, you might be surprised. Geek guys can be serious hedonists. Eric's notes on Passionate about Pleasure: ... but I hope the wife doesn't comment too much about this, other than an emoticon of some sort, hopefully not this one ;( . As for my notes... I agree with the information presented here.

I think that about covers it. Geeks and wives/girlfriends of geeks, please comment as you see fit, as well as any of you with questions.

Doing the most wha...?

2005-12-08T12:22:00.000-05:00

My boy, Jason Dean (of marquee ministry message fame)pointed out something quite odd to me. He had seen one of those Salvation Army red kettles for raising money, and on the front of it, it said, "Doing The Most Good." For our visual people, here's how it looks on their website: Further searching reveals this "oops it was a typo but not really" image of the same theme: Can I just be the second to say... what? You're doing alot of good. You're doing more good than me. But the most good? Based on your world map, the SA has no activity in North Africa or in the Middle East... or at least not that has a publically available website. Are you doing the most good there? Perhaps I should give them the benefit of the doubt, and they mean that they do the most good with the money given to them, using as much of it as possible for good causes. But it seems there's a better way to word that, especially so it wouldn't confuse people like me who think they are saying that they do more good than anyone else in the world, or are at least tied for most goodererer =). Jason notes that the website says "Committed to Doing the Most Good with your contributions of money, time, and resources."... which still implies that if you give them money, then they will definitely do more good than any other organization would. Dont't get me wrong. I'm sure there doing alotta good, a large amount of good, a substantial amount of good, a tremendous amount of good... but the most good? Please. I should make a logo for my site saying that this is the most humble blog. As for funny linkage, this one is more amusing/wow factor than outright funny. Enjoy.

The International Goat Naming Extravaganza

2005-12-07T12:34:00.000-05:00

Before I announce the details of this exciting event, let's keep up with current events. Here is a transcript of a conversation on AIM I had with my sister. Note that she doesn't read my blog, and I haven't talked to her in about 5 days:

pammy anne: hi Eric: hows it going Eric: I got strep Eric: I don't suggest it pammy anne: i heard you got a shot in your butt Eric: good to know that that information has made its way around the southeast

So, you know how it goes. ANYWAY, the International Goat Naming Extravaganza (IGNE) has begun! What is the IGNE, you ask? Well... basically, the wife and I are moving to a small house (if you want to think of it as a quaint place call it a "cottage", if you want to think of it as a small place call it a "guesthouse", and if you want to think of it as a place where someone-who-now-owes-rent-to-the-same-person-who-pays-them lives... then call it "indentured servant's quarters") on a 7 acre horse farm my boss just purchased. It has a main house, two rental houses (one we'll live in), a barn for stabling horses, a smaller barn for storage, and two pastures. Anyway, my small house needs some work (painting, among other things), and we'll have some pictures of it soon enough. Since I've always lived in surburbia or in an apartment complex, owning a goat has never been a possibility. We're going to move in in February, and soon after I hope to buy one (maybe two!) fainting goats. As such, these goats need names! I don't know if I will get male goats or female goats, but probably if we get two, they will both be the same gender. This is where you come in: I'm asking you, the faithful reader, to submit as many goat names as you want, split into female and male names. You can post a comment to this post, hand me a slip of paper, IM me, or email me the names. If you tell me them in person or on the phone, I will likely forget. The winner (or if two goats, winners) will receive a framed portrait of you and the goat (or goats) you named, courtesy of me. I will post the names submitted by people who don't read my blog on their behalf as comments. As for your funny link, this ones a doozy. Here's a teaser. Keep in mind, everything in this picture is made of Legos: Link to the Abston Church of Christ.

Open letter to current and would-be practitioners of medical care:

2005-12-06T09:17:00.000-05:00

I hope this letter finds you well. The intent of this letter is to cut through the layers of deception that surround the word "alittle." Here's some examples: "you might feel alittle queasy when you take this medicine", or "the open-heart surgery might leave alittle scar", or "the amputation of your left hand might leave you alittle less able to live a normal life." Yesterday, I shared my thoughts about another deception of the medical field, that is, the replacing of the word "butt" (or "buttock" cause its funnier to say) with the word "hip." I feel like the healing has already started to begin, as thousands of nurses have contacted me saying they have repented of this heinous sin. Anyway, at the time of the shot that was described in detail yesterday, I was told that it might be "alittle sore." Currently, still weak and slightly feverish from my strep throat recovery, I'm limping around the apartment due to the soreness that has overtaken me. And what am I supposed to tell people if they ask why I am limping? My butt is sore? I don't think that will go over too well. I shared this lament with frequent commenter Brad, and here's what he had to say:

Eric: I'm limping around the apartment, and when I do have to go out in public, whata I tell people, my butt is sore? Brad: rofl Brad: no, my hip is sore

So there you have it. I tell them my hip is sore. I mean alittle sore. I hope you, the medical community, can raise the flag of truth when it comes to the use of the word "alittle." I'm fine with having soreness if it means I get to feel better, but just tell me it will be "sore", not "alittle sore", if that's the case. I hope you understand. Still being sick, today's funny link is nothing too special, but it certainly is amusing: linkzor.

Well hello, madam!

2005-12-05T15:22:00.000-05:00

So last night I was feeling crappy. Sinus stuff, you know, whatnot. Through the night, it woke me up every hour except between 1 and 2 am. So I didn't goto work today, and instead went to the doctor. They did some checking, and then gave me a strep test. It came back positive, which sux bad. The doctor told me she would give me a shot of penicillin and then a perscription of some antibiotics. Hearing the word shot, here's what I immediately thought: So I lay down on that wierd tissue paper thing they cover the examination thingie on. The nurse comes in, with the syringe. She tells me it won't be in the arm, it will be in the hip. I thinking, "ahh the hip, those bones that stick out in front of you that are near your waist." She then gestures to the following part on my body: That's right ladies and gentlemen, she meant my buttock. Having spoken to my father, who is a physician, he said calling it a hip was just code language for butt. Today's funny link is another funny tshirt site, I'm a sucker for them. link

Stuff you could buy me, and I wouldn't complain.

2005-12-02T09:40:00.000-05:00

UPDATED! 1/2/06 As I've mentioned before, this blog is fairly selfish and ungrateful at it's core. As such, I like stuff, especially stuff for me. None of this particularly newsworthy or revolutionary, it's just said as background information. This will end up being a post that is referenced often, and updated frequently as I find more cool stuff to put on here, and as gracious people (read: my wife, for my bday/xmas) buy me stuff from it. ITEM #1 - The NES Buckle Added to list: 12/02/2005 Cost: $30 This absolutely rocks my world. At a hefty 30 dollar price tag, if you don't feel like shelling out that many dollas, you can instead send me your old nintendo controllers. You can trade 5 of them for a free buckle. Just for giggles, they're also developing something alittle more, um, phallic: An Atari joystick belt buckle. Let the jokes run wild. Here's how they describe it on their site:

The Atari controller is something that should never have been turned into a belt buckle. For this reason, we had to make it. Wear it for instant nostalgia and to be the hit at your next party or crowded subway.

You get the idea. ITEM #2 - The "nobody reads my blog" t-shirt Added to list: 12/13/2005 Cost: $13 Size: Medium From the website's description of the shirt:

Is this shirt a way to outwardly show grief over your vastly unappreciated blog, or is it a segue into the "Oh, you have a blog? What's the URL?" conversation? There is nothing wrong with trolling for new readers. If you're not advertising, how are you going to convince the world that your opinion is important?

Now, if you're read this (and you're not me, sorry me, you don't count), somebody reads my blog! But that's not the point, is it. With so many blogs in the world, some of them don't get read, and I wholeheartedly agree with that blurb. If I'm not advertising, how am I going to convince the world that my opinion is important? ITEM #3 - The Flirt to Convert Tee Added to list: 1/02/2006 Cost: $17.99 You may find this shirt offensive, and if not offensive, at least mildly irreverent. If that's the case, the shirt is doing its job. For more information, see this site: Date To Save Today's funny link: Morning Musume vs. Lizard (whatever that means. Be aware that this video has alot of Japanese lady-screaming.)

Deh radio

2005-12-01T10:55:00.000-05:00

Before we get in too deep in today's post, I want to make sure I introduce you to a new, yet temporary feature on this good ole blog. I am of course refering to the Christmas-Shoes-o-meter, which tracks how many times I've heard this cherished classic in a given Christmas season. It is a powerful device that gives up-to-date tracking of where I stand in this eternal quest. ANALYSIS: As we can see, it's been a dismal 24 hours in the quest to hear Christmas Shoes. I'm still locked in at five, unable to capitalize on the early blitz of 5 times in 6 days. So anyway, let's get on with it. Today's topic is the radio. Specifically, FM radio. More specifically, FM radio in the Southeast, primarily in Georgia, Tennessee and Kentucky. And just so we're completely clear, more specifically, Christian FM radio in the Southeast, primarly Georgia, Tennessee, and Kentucky. Why that topic? Because when I'm in the Atlanta area (read: 98% of the time), I don't listen to Christian radio. Why? Because I have two choices: J93 (93.3 FM) and The Fish (104.7 FM.) To be fair, I like the Fish during Christmas time (Christmas music rox, as well as the Fish having a high probability to play Christmas Shoes), but the other eleven months I find the mix of artists and genres to be unlistenable-to. So what's the alternative? If I want to listen to God-glorifying music, what are the options? As far as I know, no new other Christian stations are planning to open in the area. So that leaves me with CD's (to maintain variety gets expensive over time), and the whole rest of the radio stations in the city. For now, the whole rest of the radio stations in the city are my choice. So what's a dood to do? Well, in my driving through Tennessee and Kentucky, over time I've found two other stations, that are played nationwide in many markets, large and small: - K-Love: The first I discovered. Plays a mix of songs that are somewhat similar to the Fish, but with more variety and more modern songs. - Air 1: The second. Plays a "harder", more rock mix of songs. By far my favorite Christian station. Both are completely non-profit, user-supported ministries. That is, they have no commercials, and rely on donations, pledges, and gifts to continue their airtime. The only breaks between songs are for news updates, alittle DJ talk (not too bad), contests, and for little devotionals/testimonials, which I affectionately call "Jesus ads." Both stations broadcast online at so-so quality rate, easily high enough to enjoy the music. I highly recommend you check out their online steams, available here and here. So this presents us with a third alternative: getting Air 1 or K-Love to come to the Atlanta area! I think Air 1 would especially thrive in this environment. I've emailed them in the past asking, and it seems high time to try again. If you try them out (maybe at work, or at home, you know, whatnot) and find them pleasing to your ear, shoot them an email asking/begging/pleading for them to come to this area. Here's their contact pages: K-Love's and Air 1's. That's all I got. Well, except for this funny link. Ok, now thats really all I got.

Real People, Real Bowflex Results.

2005-11-30T11:47:00.000-05:00

So it's that time of year again. Which time is that, you ask? It's time to start counting how many times I can hear Newsong's smash Christmas hit, "Christmas Shoes." Since Thanksgiving, I've heard it five times, without even really trying. Just for kicks (whoops, accidental pun), here's a picture of some shoes: You see, "Christmas Shoes" has a special place in my heart. I'll post the lyrics here, but don't worry, I know you won't read them (how do I know this? because whenever anyone posts lyrics because they want to talk about how meaningful they are, I have never read them. ever. don't worry, I'll explain what these lyrics say afterwards)

Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously Pacing 'round like little boys do And in his hands he held a pair of shoes His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe And when it came his time to pay I couldn't believe what I heard him say Chorus: Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time You see she's been sick for quite a while And I know these shoes would make her smile And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

Note that the song is longer than this, but this is plenty to get the point of the song. It's sung in a very sentimental way. Basically, its told from the perspective of some dood that's shopping. He's not really feeling in the Christmas spirit, and he overhears this kid trying to buy these special shoes for his dying mother in case she happens to die tonight and go meet Jesus. The boy doesn't have enough money, so the storyteller hooks up the needed cash flow, and finds what Christmas is all about. From this point on, you'll either: laugh, say "that's horrible Eric, I like that song", or just shake your head back and forth at me. Last year, my brother-in-law and I, who both work at the same fine institution, began to analyze the effect of this song. We decided that one of the reasons it's so powerful/emotional is that the object that is the topic of the song is shoes. Shoes are a very important item to the female gender, compared to say, staplers. Or CDs. Or cubicle walls. (listen, I'm, trying to name random objects, but my brain can only think about the things sitting in front of me for some reason.) So the quest had begun. What is the best item we could insert to replace "shoes" in the song above, that still had the song making at least a tiny amount of sense? The winners, by far, were Christmas Bowflex, and Christmas NordicTrack (note that this posts title is directly taken from Bowflex's fabulous website). Bowflex is certainly my favorite. Let's review how the song would look with our modifications:

Sir, I want to buy this Bowflex for'my Mama, please It's Christmas Eve and this Bowflex is just her size Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time You see she's been sick for quite a while And I know this Bowflex would make her smile And I want her to look buff... if Mama meets Jesus tonight

Ahh, much better. My work here is done, methinks. Funny link today is an oldie but goodie. It is a listing of the worst analogies ever written in high school essays. It's worth your time (as long as your time isn't all that valuable.)

I'm so lame.

2005-11-29T21:08:00.000-05:00

It's true. I know why. You know why. Even the wife knows why. As such, we won't dwell on it, will we. Now I realize that it's only been about a week, but I expect that all of you have caught up on your EFIZ 1980 reading. Given that you probably haven't, I'll explain the backstory of that which follows, those that are on task and know the story, please just play along. In the apartment years, certain things happened that we remembed. Some big, some small, always funny. One such occurence was the Sudafed Affair. One day I believe I had a sinus infection or something crappy like that. So I bought some Sudafed. And took it, every 8 hours (or two hours before the box said I should) to keep myself medicated. Some of the roomies noticed this, and started making jokes about how it was somewhat like a drug addiction, and that I was going to go into withdrawal, and fall down, hysterically tapping the empty box trying to get just 1 more pill out of the box. With that in mind, consider the following AIM conversation:

Ben: so dude, remember the old sudafed joke? Eric: I been poppin feds since 93 Ben: shaking the box in cold addiction? Ben: :) Eric: yeah Ben: that's me with fraggedformysins.blogspot.com Eric: lolol Ben: refresh refresh refresh refresh Ben: i need to work but Ben: refresh Eric: maybe it changed Ben: dang Ben: refresh Ben: yeah, maybe in the last two seconds Ben: refresh Ben: uhg! Ben: maybe now Ben: refresh Ben: ugh!

So there you have it. Obviously, the best part about this post, is that if Ben is really refreshing every so often, right when I click this "Publish Post" button, he's going to be met with the joy of something new, but then in moments the sobering reality of the fact that the post is primarily something... he could just tab over to AIM to read. In other news, today's funny link is somewhat of an advertisement, but still funny. The Cotton Factory makes goofy vintage shirts, and I like em. A fair number of them are cheap, so be entertained, or something.

And now a post...

2005-11-22T08:17:00.000-05:00

...that has nothing to do with urinals. How sad. Today I'd like to talk to you about weddings. Well, not really weddings, churches. Actually, really just one church, and one wedding. But not the church that the wedding took place in, a different church. Well, it seems I really am not quite sure what I'm talking about. So there. I'd like to introduce you to one of the coolest things I've ever seen on the intarweb. Meet... the Inflatable Church!!!111: If only I had the hefty £21,750 sitting around for such a great thing. Since this idea is so awesomely awesome, lets look at some more pictures of it: You can read more about this great idea at their website, aptly named w w w.inflatablechurch.com As for my own wedding, it was the coolest wedding I've ever been to (big surprise, huh.) It was 12 minutes long (2:05pm to 2:17pm, not that anyone was counting), I got to married the woman of my dreams, and I made all the people present giggle a few times during it. It did not however occur in a church that was inflatable in any way shape or form, but you know, 21,000 pounds doesn't grow on trees. Oh! And I almost forgot, in keeping with my tradition of giving away incredible business plans for free, here's what you need to do to make some sweet moolah (not necessarily with Uncle Rico, but maybe with him if your uncle happens to be named Rico): 1. Secure a business loan for 50,000ish dollars. 2. Purchase one inflatable church, paying for shipping and other costs. 3. Get a lawyer to write you up a contract for people wishing to rent out your new inflatable church. You know, the normal stuff, if the renter or the renter's guests break it they pay for the repairs, if it collapses on the wedding party and they all suffocate and die, its not your fault (not that that would happen, I'm just sayin') - you know, the usual stuff. 4. Purchase a covered trailer to cart your church around in. 5. Advertise like nuts in fancypants wedding magazines that you have an inflatable church for rent, somewhere between 1,000 and 2,000 per rental. 6. Provide the inflatable church to willing and rabid customers. 7. Live a lifestyle of extreme wealth, coming down to see your buddy Eric every now and then. That's all I got. It's gonna be sad when someone actually does one of these plans, and then comes back and tells me how they just got off their Learjet to come visit me, on their way to the Bahamas.

CAUTION CAUTION CAUTION

2005-11-21T09:01:00.000-05:00

My my my! What's all the fuss about? Well... glad you asked (I'm glad, you won't be so glad here in a second), the fuss is about urinals! Not so much urinals themselves, but the walls placed around the wondrous device that offer a modicum of privacy. This, as it turns out, seems to be part two in the "Stuff Ladies Didn't Know, And Probably Could Have Lived The Rest Of Their Days NOT Knowing And Be Just Fine" series. See this post for part one. To better illustrate my critique of various urinal setups, I will be using mspaint.exe, which is bundled with all Windows desktop OS's. A. The Super-Deluxe Location: P.F. Chang's, Mall of Georgia location Ahh, the joy of privacy-enjoying men everywhere. Let's review how it looks: Wow. This is an amazing dream. If all bathrooms could have such a setup. I recently discussed this amazing rendering of this bathroom with Brad:

Eric: just looking at it wants you to pee in it Brad: yeah dood, might need to make a bathroom run Eric: I could live in the privacy that urinal affords Brad: or print the doc and pee on it

I think that summarizes the male population of the world's views on this bathroom setup. Bathroom designers, take note. B. Standard Issue Location: Most Chick-Fil-A locations Eh, not the cadillac of urinals, but better than nothing, I suppose: Honestly, this is about what your average expectation should be for a urinal experience. Not alot to say, it is kind of like trying to write a long review of how tap water tastes. Meh. C. Oh Noes! Location: Bobby Dodd Stadium, Ga Tech Campus If Option A. was a sweet dream, then Option C. is a nightmare. So, we've gone from best to worse. The maximal in efficiency, the trough system is as space-maximizing as you can get. It frightens me even to talk about it. So there you have it, Eric's thoroughly exhaustive (not) review of bathroom setups. That was exhausting for me. Let's find a good funny link... hmm...the joy of pitching a good tent. I think you guys will enjoy this. Also, feel free to comment on "interesting" design choices in bathrooms you've seen.

Other Erics Rox Too.

2005-11-20T17:06:00.000-05:00

[Today's post will use the many talents of another Eric, pulled from his website, Eric Conveys an Emotion. He is incredibly talented, and is coincedentally, today's Funny Link.] Good day to you, fellow readers and newcomers. Today we shall be talking about relationships. Unfortunately for yous guyses, dear Eric knows nothing about this odd noun, at least not in any way that I can offer insightful advice to those that might ask. All of what follows is just my own perspective, use of this information is ill-advised. Anyway, let's jump right in. I want to talk about the interesting Pre-Relationship Stage (hereby called the PRS) in which neither person has a solid idea on what the other person is thinking, as far as whether a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship will form or not. It has the potential to be a incredibly uplifting or thoroughly depressing. The many words spoken, actions done, and thoughts pondered can be very fruitful or just leave one or both persons more confused as ever. I wish I could speak about this from the female's perspective. All I know, from listening in to women lamenting the pre-relationship time, is that they analyze every word and action of their pseudo-possible-boyfriends. I, however, am well acquainted with the male's perspective, as far as my time spent in the PRS. There are mainly three main modes in which a man will be in, while in the PRS. Let's go through them: 1. Afraid: The beginning of a relationship can involve a risk. It's about putting yourself out there, being vulnerable to the other person. Their reaction can be great or devastating. It seems like it would be pretty simple, if the girl is friendly to you, wants to do activities with you, and is trying to be in contact with you, it would obviously follow that they are doing their part to be open. The problem with this is two-fold. Some people are naturally friendly to everyone, and it can be difficult to discern if the friendliness extended to you is just how they treat everyone, or special treatment towards you. Secondly, people express interest in different ways. To some, "interest" means going and doing things, whether that be concerts, dinner, or mini-golf. To others, "interest" means conversations about what hobbies you like. The sum total of all of this is large amounts of second-guessing and trepidation. 2. Just As Analyzing As The Chick: This one is probably the most confusing of all three. Let's say a girl asks a guy, whom she is interested in, to go eat lunch later that day. Untangling how a person reacts to what is meant as a clear sign that says "I'M INTERESTED IN YOU", when they see it as "I'M HUNGRY, LETS EAT SOME FOOD", and the chain reaction that follows can be a nightmare. It leaves both people thinking the other is acting oddly or coldly some of the time, and warmly and kindly the rest of the time. One person has to step up and try and cut through all the layers of interpretation, or nothing will ever come of this. 3. Clueless: Ahh, the bane of women world-wide. The harbinger of potential-relationship destruction. To the guy, there is no PRS. It's just life as normal. The guy could be distracted by many different things, good and bad. It could be serving the Lord, a computer game, a sport, or a hundred other things. He could even think that you (the girl) are way out his league, so to even consider that interest is there, is Ludacris. Nevertheless, the Clueless mode makes relationship-forming a daunting task. All I can say is, I hope that the girl has the boldness to make herself vulnerable and share openly how she feels, if this mode is the case. So there you have it. The confusion is further multiplied by the fact that there's no easy way to tell which mode a guy is in. So far this post has been informational in nature, as opposed to being an offering of advice. Well to you, faithful readers that made it all the way down here, I offer you the creamy nougat center of ill-advised-to-follow advice as I see it: Step up, take charge, and don't let days/weeks/months/years pass you by while you trying and determine the thoughts of another person. Of course there is a natural progression of time that can certainly span days/weeks/months/years where you would get to know someone alittle better, to see if your interests, attitudes, and beliefs line up with theirs, but once that happens, there's not really anything to gain with playing this game, as far as I can see. [this part is to the ladies] If you think that your pseudo-possible-boyfriend should be the one to step up and take charge and put himself on the line, well, that's your prerogative. I don't equate the man initially taking the role of becoming vulnerable to his female counterpart an element of leadership in a relationship. Leadership more has to do with physical boundaries between the couple, what types of activities or situations are off-limits, and the like. But that's just me. Feel free to prove me wrong in the comments to this post. [/ladiespart] The reason I say all of this, is because there was a person I knew a long time ago that I was a participant in this game with. I still to this day have no clue if she ever had any interest in me, and I fell well within mode #1 (Afraid), and I have no idea what she ever was thinking (hence the game!) Of course, now that I think about it, our lives ended up taking very different routes, so it's just as well anyway.

Required Reading, for EFIZ 1980

2005-11-18T09:27:00.000-05:00

[note: this post is self-centered, self-absorbed, and selfish. Oh wait, they all are! Disregard this note.] SYLLABUS EFIZ 1980 Instructor: Eric Hendersºn Hours: MTWRFSS 12:00AM-11:59PM Texts: None. Welcome to EFIZ 1980, "Hanging Out With Eric and Understanding His Jokes"! This course is designed to help you understand the person that is Eric, how he thinks, his mannerisms, and how to know him better. The bulk of this course will be spent watching the following media, which Eric references often: Office Space - One of the classics. Despite it's crude humor, bad language, and questionable content, this is one of Eric's favorites. Arrested Development, Seasons One and Two - a newcomer to the Eric mediasphere, but certainly a powerhouse to be reckoned with. The Best of Will Ferrell, Volume 1 - a true literary masterpiece. If you haven't seen it, that is very upsetting to me. The Annotated History of 322 6th St. East, Years 2000-2002 (not yet published) - Of all of the media listed here, this is by far the most important. The definitive work on the topic, it is set to cover the life of the group known as "The Roomates", through their sophomore and junior years at Tech. It catalogues such events as: the TPH, the Mozalla virus, "I don't know... I shouldn't have just said that", Abbas - the man, the legend, and other favorites. So there you have it, my students. Any further questions can be directed to the comments sections, listed right below. EXTRA CREDIT - View the following funny link, and make some sort of obscure reference to it the next time you're around Eric - LINK.

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY ONE NIGHT ONLY

2005-11-17T11:35:00.000-05:00

A good friend of mine, Jason (the same Jason who brought you the formatting/whatnot for this nugget of joy) have been in the habit of calling each other whenever we see a goofy/hokey message on the marquee of a church sign. We are both considered experts in this emerging field, and receive numerous calls per week from seekers attempting to spit out a marquee we haven't seen yet. Amateurs often dabble in the common, low-grade messages, such as "God accepts knee mail", or "Give the devil an inch and he'll become your ruler", while Jason and I have transcended the common and really captured the soul of the marquee message. When we see a new, exciting one, we often report to each other what it says. Let's review some of the ones that are in the hall of fame (note: I'm going to use www.churchsigngenerator.com to display my favorites. None of these were made up, and have all been seen by Jason or I.) This is my personal all-time favorite. I don't think any interpretation is needed here, this sign is bad enough to stand on its own. Wow. This is a close second-place runner-up. The implications of this sign are certainly wide-reaching, I mean, how did this sign know that I taught English to abunch of immigrants living in the Duluth area? Holy crap, I better repent immediately. A favorite of Mr. Dean (who also first saw this one.) I'm not certain that is the proper verse reference, but it was some verse talking about how thieves will not inherit the Kingdom of God (which 1 Cor. 6:10 does.) This one is certainly more acceptable than the ones above, but it also is tempting the thieves to come back. Ignoring the obvious question on this one, that is, "which man is 'this man'?", this marquee gets special props from me for its use of the rarely used verb, spake. Additional accolades for this one, as it was seen no more than 5 miles from where one Mr. Adam J. Walker used to live, in Cleveland, TN. So there's your Marquee Message Round-up. The best of the best. As far as a funny link goes, let's have a looksie at my stash. Ahh, here we go, Patently Silly. This guy has a habit of searching the library of patents that have been submitted/filed, finds the craziest/funniest/etc ones, and writes a blurb about them. Very funny stuff, I check it often.

The Wikipedia

2005-11-16T09:23:00.000-05:00

Numerous times in our journey together, I've linked to something called the Wikipedia. I find the Wikipedia to be amazing source of information on all sorts of topics that typically wouldn't be covered in any other form of standardized catalogue. What's even more amazing is that all of the articles in it, of which there are 814,000+, are submitted by volunteers, and can be edited by anyone. This allows it to stay amazingly current on one hand [compared to a text encyclopedia], but at the same time allows people to edit the pages on controversial topics and insert the word "BOOBIES" at a random point (hey, I'm not making this up, it can happen.) Given the fact that there is no real way to verfiy whether the information contained within is factual and without a heavy bias, the Wikipedia is not for looking up everything. Of course, there's plenty of things that I'm not all that concerned about it being factually correct (i.e. it's not a life or death issue.) Today I will share some of the more entertaining Wikipedia articles I've read. I've already talked about some of these before: -Pwn- the depth this article goes into on this bit of Internet slang is, well, breathtaking. -Robocop- What's sadder than the fact that someone typed in, revised, and formatted all that text on just the first Robocop movie, is the fact that I've read all of it, as well as all of the text about both sequels. And just for fun, here's a picture of the legend: -Calvinism- A broad overview of all things Calvinism. This is an example of where the Wikipedia is useful, but also needs to have its information verified elsewhere. It gives you plenty of info about the topic, but this topic is more serious than those above. Further studies into this topic led to the Theopedia, which led to the TULIPedia, which might be taking this whole "pedia" gig a leeeeeetle too far. -Flying Spaghetti Monsterism- Mentioned previously re: Intelligent Design on this blog. -Random article- Probably the coolest article of all on the Wikipedia. Does what it says it will, gives you a random topic. Without this feature, let's face it, I would have never known what the Schönhage-Strassen algorithm was. (whew!) In other news, today's funny link is classic. Enjoy: The Credit Card Prank.

What were they thinking?

2005-11-15T14:09:00.000-05:00

Say whatever you like about their political stance, but hear me out on this one thing. CNN.com knows how to put a picture of a rooster, a cock, if you will, as the image for their current headline story. They are doing this because of the scare over a possible bird flu pandemic. Apparently roosters are the only animal that might have this flu. There was one image earlier today, one last week, and then a special one just in the last few minutes. And it's freaking me out. Bad. While this will probably make you never come back to my blog, here it is, in all its... cockeyed creepiness: This is an eye of a chicken, waaaaay to close, as seen through some fencing or some sort of cage. When show this image, the honorable Mr. Deatºn had this to say:

i'm going to get a 6 ft x 8 ft poster of it made at kinko's, break into your apartment while you are asleep tonight, hang it on your ceiling, and then it'll be the first thing you see when you wake up in the morning.

What Ben isn't remembering is that the wife wakes up an hour before me, so the first thing I realize when I wake up will be her screaming at the ceiling. Such is life. UPDATE: This is CNN's logo for their Bird Flu coverage. See note above about how CNN thinks the rooster is the only animal fit to be pictured in bird flu coverage (because, let's be honest here, if it was only chickens, they wouldn't call it Bird Flu, they'd call it Chicken Flu)

The Stone Mountain Challenge

2005-11-15T11:43:00.000-05:00

This blog thing is getting real agitating. I'm layin in bed, trying to sleep, and all of the sudden, the perfect topic for my next post comes to me. Now I am unable to goto sleep, and I sit here writing this, when I should be sleeping. In any case, the writing must go on. First, some background. This is a picture of Stone Mountain: Stone Mountain is a Georgia/Atlanta landmark, and is basically a huge slab of rock. There's very little vegetation on it and it has a trail on the less steep side that takes you up to a beautiful view of Atlanta. The trail is alittle over a mile long (guessing), that can be a very steep grade at times. On the backside of it, is a carving of the leaders of the Confederacy. There's a laser show each night, projected onto the side with the carving. So anyway, a friend of mine, Josh, was sitting eatting lunch with the wife and I. Out of nowhere and completely unprovoked, he does the unthinkable and says, "I could beat you in a race up Stone Mountain," as if it was the most obvious thing he's ever thought to say. Now, some of you may not know me very well. I don't respond well to challenges/trash talk, and when I say I don't respond well, I mean I usually will take up any contest, even when it doesn't make sense. That day was no exception. We argued abit, and finally decided that an actual race would be the only way to determine the victor (us guys, we're pretty smart critters.) Being a complete and total buffoon, I decided it would be August 6th, 2005, which would be one of the hottest days of the year. Over the course of the next few months, much trash talk was spewed in both camps (more out of mine.) A prize for the winner/penalty for the loser was discussed. One day, I received an email from dear Josh. The subject line was "Things to come...", and for a brief moment in time, I thought my intense resolve to talk him into the ground had broken the pitiful man, and this was his heartfelt plea for me to relent... if only I could be so lucky. The email contained no words, only this simple image: Josh had won that day. His intentionally crappy integration of the faces into the mountain, and selection of a horrible picture of me made this image one of the better I've seen in a while. In any case, August rolled around, and oddly, neither of us did much to actually bring the race to a reality. September came and went, October has come and gone, and November is currently here. Someone asked us recently about the race, and Josh said something like, "It was a tie." I completely agree. Oh, and I guess I owe you a link. Hrm... how about... this! If you find this one entertaining, make sure to check the questions and answers section about the pants, as he goes on and on, replying to 21 questions about the pants.

#56, Eric Hendersºn!

2005-11-14T15:31:00.000-05:00

[note: there's not really a "º" in my last name. It's just a clever way to confuse a search engine.] Life can be funny, sometimes. Without any commentary, analysis, or any other sort of blither-blather. My name is Eric Hendersºn, which on a typical day, doesn't really make that big of a difference. But a couple years ago, I attended a fabulous institution which shall remain unnamed, but you guys are pretty smart, so it shouldn't be too hard to figure out. Well, let me preface this tale by noting one thing. Using this contraption, I calculated my Body Mass Index. You already know I'm skinny, but lets put it into perspective. At 6'4", 155 pounds, age 20-29, male, I'm in the 8th percentile of BMI of Americans with similar age/height. That blows my mind. Not because 92% of similar people weigh more than me, I already knew that... but because there's 7% of people who weigh LESS! Where are these people?! Anyway, I went to the institution listed above. First couple years, the fact that my name was Eric Hendersºn was just another detail... until I received a phone call:

[dramatization, not like I recorded it, sheesh] Eric: This is Eric. Unknown, African-American Male Caller [U,A-AMC]: Eric? E: Yeah? U,A-AMC: This sure don't sound like Eric. Eric Hendersºn? E: Yeah, that's me. U,A-AMC: The Eric Hendersºn on the football team? E: [attempts to contain laughter] uhh.. I think you might have.. the wrong Eric.

You see, at Tech, everyone was able to look up any other student's phone number and email address when logged onto the school's student database. Our friendly U,A-AMC had typed in "Eric Hendersºn", and instead of the EH he was looking for, he picked my phone number. Alittle searching on my part, and I discovered the following: I was one of Tech's football team's Defensive Ends! My height was about right, but interestingly, my weight was about 110 pounds higher than I recalled it being. Oh, and one other thing... I'm a pale, pasty white guy, which of all things, that guy is not. Fast forward a few weeks, there's a knock at the door of our apartment, the guy wants to talk to Eric. One of my roommates fetches me, and I go see who it is. The poor dood has a confused look on his face, unable to exactly compute the current paradigm shift he is suddenly experiencing. All he thought he knew about one Eric Hendersºn was not as it seems. Well, maybe that didn't all happen, but I was at least able to explain to him the error of which EH he had found, and which one he hadn't found. Let's do a short exercise, for the visual learners among us: Me ["exhibit A"]: Not Me, a.k.a. "the other Eric Hendersºn", or "exhibit B": I think you can understand the gentleman-who-visited-my-apartment's confusion. And the one story that makes this all worthwhile... as I said before, you could retrieve the email address of any student at Tech. One day, I pull up my email, and this is what I find:

Eric, Was really cool to talk to you on the bus. Be really cool if we could hang out again. Email me back sometime. [some random chick name]

Noting, of course, the obvious social commentary that could be expounded upon by some chick that was talking to a hawt football player in person, and then "following-up" by searching for his email address and then EMAILING him, and not calling him... this was the golden nugget. On seeing this email, my roommates flipped out in excitement, their heads collectively grinding away at some possible way for me to mess with/hook up with this confused lass. Either because I'm a wuss or I'm smart, I sunk their plans while they were still in their infancy, noting all the reasons and ways that I wasn't the "famous", or "popular", or "ever talking to girls" Eric Hendersºn. I calmly emailed her back noting her error and where she could email the other EH. I believe on that day, in the eyes of my roommates, I became less of a man. At the very least, the other Eric Hendersºn became more Eric Hendersºn, and I became less Eric Hendersºn. But I've moved on. In fact, Eric Hendersºn has turned out to be a very successful Defense End for the Tech football game, and on multiple occasions I've gotten high-fives from friends and acquaintances when my counterpart gets a key tackle or sack. In fact, I've even gotten phone calls mid-game from friends, congratulating my hussle out there on the field, and giving it all I've got for the team. Eh, you know how it is, you do the best you can. One day, I will learn how to write a short post. Today is of course not that day. But today is the time to share this nugget of joy with you. The pictures in that link will seem quite normal. A real estate listing, showing beautiful photos of the interior of a house. Nothing funny at all. I guarantee there is something hee-larious in there... I recommend taking in the amazing photography of the third photo down for alittle while. =)

Diet Diet Revolution

2005-11-13T19:06:00.000-05:00

So during my freetime, I enjoy doing many things. One of the most cherished leisurely activities of mine is something called Dance Dance Revolution, which from hereafter and forevermore, I shall refer to as "DDR". DDR is an arcade-turned-PS2/XBox game which involves stepping on arrows (up, right, left, down), on a special mat, to the beat of a song. The songs and patterns of arrows range in difficulty from mindnumbingly easy to mindblowingly hard. The game takes incredible endurance, and is a high intensity workout no matter how you look at it. For more information on the above, consult the source of all catalogued useless human knowledge, the Wikipedia! My habit with this game has subsided recently, but over the last year, several months I averaged four to five hours of DDR'ing a week. I've reached something of a plateau at this point, unable to train my legs to do any more difficult of songs as I can right now. It's very sad. So what does this mean? Well, for being loyal and reading all the way down to this, the fourth paragraph, I'm gonna let you in on a business model that is worth millions. I share it with you, loyal read-to-fourth-paragraph readers, as I am tragically unable to pull it off in any successful form or fashion. Here we go: 1. Gain copious amounts of weight, uhhh, I guess eatting food. 2. Lose all weight through a thorough DDR regimen, oh and eatting better. 3. Write bestselling book about the experience called Diet Diet Revolution. So this seems very simple. In terms of difficulty, you'd assume that step one would be easy, step two a little less easy, and step 3 to be the pwnorizer, er, I mean the hardest. You'd be wrong! Step 1. has been the destroyer of dreams for me, as I am physically incapable of gaining weight. Somewhere between the fact that I have the metabolism of a three year old, and the appetite of... uhh... someone with a real small appetite, I am powerless to make fat appear on me. The wife and I can goto a restaurant, get ONE entree and one salad, split the food, and still not eat all of it. The sum total of this jibberish is: Eric is the same weight he was when he was a sophomore in high school (eight years ago!) - a massive 150 to 155 pounds. Long ago, however, I realized that the above facts (super metabolism, wussy appetite) have inspired ire/envy in some of my friends, as they find themselves in the opposite predicament that I am in. Fear not, for my time is coming. When my dad was growing up, his metabolism was the same as mine is now (no idea on his appetite.) Around the age of 28, it suddenly slowed down, and at that point he was required to workout to maintain a weight. 28 is not too far away for me. Anyway, feel free to maliciously and spitefully steal my golden business model from me. As for your funny link, oh you loyal read-to-the-eighth-paragraph-or-maybe-scanning-article-for-funny-link'ers, here's something called the Time Travel Fund. I would explain it, but they do a much better job. Besides, their business model is at least a hundred times better than mine.

Mmmm...spaghetti...gooood

2005-11-11T15:53:00.000-05:00

So, as you can probably tell (if you read the posts below, especially), I like to write about topics that are light-hearted. That don't require too much critical analysis. Things like fainting goats. Air-brushed license plates. The magic touch. Sadly, there's lots of other topics in the world that are much more important than these. The current topic that is enjoying the healthy blaze of controversy is Intelligent Design. The theory basically states: The world is too complex to have been formed by natural, random, and unguided processes. Not only that, but that the world shows signs of things that have design, and therefore must have a designer or designers. Intelligent Design, in my opinion, is Creationism veiled in a politically correct, religious-wording-taken-out package. I sincerely do not believe that there is anyone who belives truthfully in Intelligent Design that does not believe in some form of Creationism. It boils down to this: I want to believe in the literal story of Creation in the Bible. Without a doubt, it is a story of faith. I have faith in God, and what he said and did. I don't want to get bogged down in the uselessness of arguments over whether it occured in seven 24-hour periods ("days") or over billions of years. On the other hand, I want to be intellectually honest. Instead of trying to stand firm on a faith perspective, the apologetics for the Intelligent Design camp tried to use human arguments from science to "prove" that a Creator, pardon me, a designer, created all of life we see now. Basically, they tried to prove that evolution was not possibly true, and hope that in accomplishing that, the the only other possibility people would consider was their view. Unfortunately, even if they were successful in proving evolution false, that doesn't make Intelligent Design true. It still requires a measure of faith to believe in ID... which is something a logical, human argument can not prove in any real capacity. You still have to have faith in the fact that a designer exists. Put another way, the critical problem of the Intelligent Design movement is not that they are arguing against evolutionary theory - it's that they tried to divorce the scientific aspects of the origin of life from the spiritual. By not mentioning the spiritual for the sake of having the idea taught in public schools, they rob the whole idea of any potency. What evidence do I have for this? Here's one example: Flying Spaghetti Monsterism . Feel free to read the linked article, but if you don't feel like it, basically it describes a parody religion, which believes that the world was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. The founder of FSMism wrote a letter to the Kansas Board of Education about the FSM, and how he felt the theory deserved to be taught in classrooms. Using twists on oft-used Intelligent Design arguments, he puts forth the view that the Flying Spaghetti Monster was the designer and architect of the world. These enterprising individuals are using satire and humor to prove the same point as above, to expose the flaw in the arguments Intelligent Design proponents put forth publically. In the end, Intelligent Design supporters can never prove their theory correct using their current arguments, because they have to prove the existence of a creator. That "creator" is God, and he cannot be proven using logical theories or ideas. So where does that leave us? In hopelessness? No. Trying to branch away from Creationism to Intelligent Design was a fatal mistake in my opinion, and any appeal that will change people's beliefs about the origin of life have to be grounded in both the scientific AND the spiritual. So why did this happen? Because you can't teach religious principles in public school systems. Evolution is taught in high school biology, so they only want to confront this force was to present an idea that seemed scientific in nature, that is, grounded in the scientific method as an alternative to evolution. Why do I say all of this? Who cares? Well, Pat Robertson does. The short summary of that article is as follows: The Dover, PA School Board that had had some success introducing ID into their school district. The board members came up for election, and 8 out of 9 of them were voted out of office. Here's what angered/fired me up. Pat Robertson said, on the "700 Club":

"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city. And don't wonder why He hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because he might not be there."

#%@$%@#%@#$!@#. I don't even know where to start with this. Feel free to comment. Point out where I'm off the mark, comment about what Robertson said, comment about how you think I forgot to link some sort of entertaining link (and then I'll comment about how wrong you are [note: it has nothing to do with CNN or Wikipedia.])

GOATS

2005-11-10T12:42:00.000-05:00

So... I want a goat. As a pet. Doesn't really matter what kind, but I'm certainly partial to a few certain breeds: The Pygmy Goat I want you to look at this picture. Ok, look away (but not forever, make sure to look back in a second!), and then look at the picture *again*. How is it even possible that more of these cute animals are not pets? And don't give me that "blah blah blah, goats eat anything including furniture or papers or clothing, or blah blah blah its a farm animal and it can't live in a yard like a dog", cause I'm just not hearin' all that jibba-jabba. Pygmy goats rock. The Angora Goat This picture almost makes me giggle. Look at them. Such majestic, such proud, such... wooly animals. I don't really want this type of goat, but I needed another breed of goat to make my list of 3 favorites balanced! And this brings us to... THE MYOTONIC (OR FAINTING) GOAT!!!!11oneone!!11 Whew... I really want a fainting goat. Like. Bad. I can think of no better stress relief than running out and scaring the beh-jezus out of a goat, that, instead of running away, falls over on its back and its leg stiffen up for a couple seconds. Plus, it's all natural! It doesn't hurt the goat, and sadly, it eventually learns to stay on its feet when it happens. Nevertheless, the fainting goat is the ultimate pet. So there we have it, a short review of awesome goat breeds, with your host, Eric. If they sold goats on Amazon, I would totally have a few of them on my wishlist there.

A little, white lie.

2005-11-09T11:14:00.000-05:00

So, some of you that already know me well may have noticed something. It says over there ---> that I'm not very good with computers. As nice as it would be for this to be true, that is, "ignorance is bliss," one of my primary responsibilities at work is the proper care and feeding of a 15-box Windows network, and an internal inventory management/point-of-sale Linux network that does most of the heavy lifting. I am by no means an expert, having a crude understanding of Linux, and not a very deep understanding of the Windows internals, beyond the registry. As such, to do my job, I've developed a knack for troubleshooting all sorts of various software and hardware anomalies. Decent numbers of my friends have discovered this, so its not uncommon for people to come up to me, and usually say something like, "So Eric, on my computer at home, it... [insert some quirk or devastating error here.]" Lots of times its just a heavily laden spyware infection, other times something much more difficult to diagnose, especially from a generalized description of the problem. So I try and console these lost and weary souls as best I can, suggesting some steps they might take. If the problem is serious enough and/or they are desperate enough, they attempt to bring me to the computer or bring the computer to me. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I'm really a superhero. As such, I have superpowers and superweaknesses. Why do I completely interrupt a perfectly good story to tell you this? Because one of my superpowers is what's called "The Magic Touch&trade." The Magic Touch is a very powerful, uncontrollable superpower. Once I am set in front of a computer as described in the situation above, and the owner of said computer attempts to reproduce the error, it will not surface in my presence. If I attempt to do the exact same steps the owner does, the computer works flawlessly, and as expected for me. Let's review some recent cases of this: Pamela Simpson: Pam owns a Mac. An iBook G3 to be exact, running OSX. Eric knows nothing about Macs, but for whatever reason the iBook was refusing to let her post to her blog. So we load up her blog, and I attempt to make a new post. The Magic Touch effect occurs, it works fine. Work, last week: One of the users on the network complains that one of the main sites used in the store will not load on one of the front computers. I walk up there, open a browser window. MTe occurs, the site works fine for me. Work again, 3 weeks ago: One of the users, angrily tells me she can't print out an invoice on one of the dot matrix printers. Walk up there, jiggle the wire to the back of it. Send a print job to it, prints perfectly. She is angrier now, because she knew to at least check the wire connection, and tried jiggling it too. Another victim of the Magic Touch effect. So enough about the Magic Touch effect. My other superpower and my superweakness can wait for another time.

Ooo la la.

2005-11-08T21:21:00.000-05:00

So I guess some sort of introduction is in order. My dear friend, Mr. Ben Deatºn, was kind enough to set up all this jazz for me, as I am not too good with this whole computer thing. I'm learning, ok? Regarding me, here's the information I consider important, as far as important can be in a blog. I tend to be overly critical of all sorts of things, more so than I probably should. Books come to mind, but it often falls on people or their ideas. I'm very time-conscious, and I wish I wasn't. I struggle with things on a intellectual basis much more often than on a emotional basis. For example, I'm shamed by the politicizing done by the Intelligent Design camp, mainly because I "belong" to the demographic who is supposed to believe in ID, or Creationism. The issue is so polarized that it seems there is room in the middle. Arminianism and Calvinism also comes to mind, but methinks thats a topic for another time. I like all sorts of music. Here are a smattering of artists in my iTunes library at the moment: Vivaldi, Jay-Z, The Phantom of the Opera (movie soundtrack), Britney Spears (greatest hits album), David Crowder Band, Bow Wow, Chris Tomlin, Sixpence None the Richer, Fleetwood Mac, Kansas, Fatboy Slim, Aqua, tobymac, Warren G & Nate Dogg. As for a more normal introduction, meh, no thanks. Such knowledge will come with time, if it's important. I will however give you some insight into this odd license plate that seems to be my picture. Please consult this link for more information on this. It will tell you alot more about me than knowing my job/age/marital status/zodiac sign/shoe size/favorite type of donut will. Oh, and one other thing. If my blog was running for political office, my only campaign promise would be this: I will try and post at least one link per post that will be worth your computer's CPU cycles and your net connection's bandwidth to click on and view. Of course, by "worth" I mean that "if you found the link and story about the license plate listed above funny or entertaining, it will be worth it, usually."

"Fragged for my/our sins?! Thats...

2005-11-01T00:00:00.001-05:00

...offensive/irreverent/blasphemous/disrespectful/not understood/misunderstood/funny/hateful/irresponsible!" What, were you looking for an argument? You're right, it probably is. Let's have a look at this phrase, however: 'Fragged - This is a word for "killed" in multiplayer first-person-shooter computer games. Here's a more verbose definition on the topic. The usage of this word stems from the fact that a decent percent of my time is spent playing such types of games. for my/our sins' - simply put, I believe Jesus was put to death for the sins of myself and all those who believe, and those that have a faith in Him will be saved.

The words "it was credited to him" were written not for him alone, but also for us, to whom God will credit righteousness—for us who believe in him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification. Romans 4 : 23 - 25

Anyway, I wish I could take credit for coining this phrase. Although I can't find an image of it now, it was from a shirt, either worn in sincerity or in jest by some Quake-playing believer. FL - funny link used to be funny, it has since died. 2/9/06

Every post, something entertaining.

2005-11-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

In one of my first posts, I made a campaign promise of sorts - every post I made, there would be some link that could be described as funny, or entertaining - this of course predicated on the fact that you find the first funny link, about my license plate, to be funny. To submit yourself to the "Do I Think The License Plate Link is Funny?" test, click here. Note, depending on how I feel about my HTML skillz and how much time I have to post, the link may be in very plain view, or it may be hidden using subtle methods of distraction. Either way, it's always there.